February 2022 – Mojo where are you…

God knows where this month has gone, I probably say that every month!!

The beginning of Feb was a real struggle mentally as recently I’ve lost all motivation to exercise and it was getting to me.

I’ve been into exercise for as long as I can remember, at school, I played whatever sport I could and fell in love with hockey, I played this during my time at college and through my twenties and into my early thirties, finally giving it up when I lost the love for it, I supplemented this with going to the gym regularly and found CrossFit seven years ago which I’ve done on and off ever since. I also love swimming and when my gym had a pool I would be a regular early morning dipper and now I swim in lakes, well any body of water that is safe! I qualified as a personal trainer 20 years ago this summer (fu*king hell, didn’t realise it was that long ago) and although I don’t do much PT’ing now my love for exercise and training people hasn’t wained though 2 decades, now I just have to hold my tongue when I’m at the CrossFit box as have to remind myself that I’m not one of the trainers!! However, in late January and into February I simply lost all my mojo for exercise, not sure what caused it but I just had no will to do anything, not even lake swimming (which is my usual go-to thing if I need some mental breathing space).

A lot of people won’t know this but I’ve suffered from constant fatigue since my late teens, I got Glandular fever when I was 17 and don’t feel like I’ve ever fully recovered from it. Most of the time I just drive through it, just get on with life. But I think during this time of lost mojo I decided to ask for help. My first port of call was my GP, which was a pointless exercise really as they took some blood and then told me that all the blood tests that might indicate the cause of the fatigue had come back “normal” and then closed my case so to speak.

I bought a book called decode your fatigue – I am reading it but after a quick flick through it realised I’m already doing most if not all of the recommendations in there.

As a nutritional therapist, I know what to do to look after myself, I take the supplements I know will support my health, 95% of the time I eat really well, I hardly drink and I have a good sleep routine but still, the fatigue persists. Thankfully, I know complementary therapists who I can turn to for a second opinion as to what’s going on, I’ve got my own suspicions but would be good to hear their thoughts too, I’m determined to overcome this and live a life free from fatigue.

By the end of the month my exercise mojo had returned, not to the level I’m used to but I’m taking each day as it comes and just listen to my body.

Saturday 12th March 2022

Skipped the gym this morning as I had a glass of wine last night and felt like I needed a bit of a lie-in! Well as much of a lie-in you can get when you’ve got an old cat who wakes up at the crack of dawn.

I eventually got up and went to do the food shop.

Today, my friend had offered to come over and continue to help me with the garden! I had bought loads of compost in the week so we set about making a start on creating some beds to start growing some plants!! In only a few hours we made good progress and even managed to mow the lawn too, there is still a lot of work to do but feel like it is slowly coming together.

I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a daze, my emotions are all over the place at the moment and quite close to the surface, over the last few weeks I’ve lost a lot of self-confidence in myself, I didn’t have much before but now it’s on the floor so need to figure out a way that gets some back, I know this is related to how I feel I look so will address this.

This is my 225th post which means there are 140 days left of this transformation, well 139 really, that’s just 20 weeks to pull it out of the bag…

Friday 11th March 2022

Thank Crunchie it’s Friday, what a week it’s been!! A rollercoaster of emotions and I’m totally spent.

Today was a uni day and 3 out of my 4 students turned up (eventually), we had some good discussions about how our world has and is changing. When I got them working as a group I noticed that there was a new Pixar/Disney film out today on Disney+ called Turning Red so decided that I would watch it this evening.

It’s all about a 13 yr old girl who turns into a red panda when her emotions get too much and how she learns to manage this and to embrace her red panda. Obviously, it is a metaphor for embracing puberty as well as all the light and shade of our personality and accepting all these sides as that’s what makes us unique.

A really fantastic story and so timely for how I’ve been feeling this week, will probably watch it again over the weekend to allow it to really sink in!

I’m dog tired tonight and nearly fell asleep on the sofa! I don’t like doing that so when I catch myself nodding off I tend to come up to bed which is what I’ve done tonight and now writing this with barely my eyes open, thankfully I can touch type so don’t really need to see the screen to know what I am typing.

Thursday 10th March 2022

Today was a uni day and felt a bit strange to be on campus on a Thursday, however, nice to be in with one of my colleagues who is also a good friend. I was in the office on my own as they were lecturing for most of the day so I cracked on with my lesson prep for my lecture tomorrow, and also I tidied my desk as it was getting a bit crazy with paperwork & files.

The Vice-Chancellor popped in to ask about the guest lecture they have agreed to do in a couple of weeks which is equal parts scary and exciting. They are the boss of the university and feel that it is great that they know who I am but also nerve-wracking at times in case I say the wrong thing. The world of academia is still relatively new to me and from what I’ve learnt/seen is that academia thinks very differently from business and I’m firmly in the business camp so it’s about being mindful about the different approaches.

Seeing a friend in the flesh and them asking if I am ok opened the flood gates to tears as I told them how I have been feeling over the last few days, it was lovely to physically speak to someone and felt like I had released some stuff I’d been holding in.

This evening, I caught up with another friend who literally lives 10 minutes away and usually see most weeks but it’s been nearly a month since we last saw each other so that felt good to see them again, a nice catch up over a glass of wine.

I know that I shouldn’t keep my emotions to myself and ask for support when I need it and I’m slowly learning to do this but it is a new way of thinking as for so many years I didn’t have trusted friends I could talk to openly without fear of judgement.

Wednesday 9th March 2022

Work replaced working out this morning, with 2 workshops to deliver today I needed to finish off my prep this morning.

My sleep last night was fitful, being quite emotional before I went to bed didn’t help and I woke up with the lingering feelings I had yesterday, however, I had to pull on my big girl pants and simply get on with the job at hand today as these two workshops HAD to go well.

The first one was online for a networking organisation and the 2nd one was in person at a school about an hour’s drive from home. Since lockdown, I don’t really drive many longer distances which has its pros and cons. I love driving and do miss it when I’m in the car and realise how much I feel so free to go wherever I please even if it is to a workplace or event. I do a lot of thinking in the car travelling places, sometimes these are purely daydreams but often it’s really constructive, I come up with solutions to challenges or spot opportunities. Today mainly it was daydreaming as it was a beautifully warm and sunny day so just basked in the warmth and gave thanks to what I was about to do or what I had just done.

When I got home I did a bit more work as I am at the Uni tomorrow and didn’t want a couple of things to sit on my to-do list for any longer.

If I’m honest, I’m completely spent! As I type this my eyes are slowly closing, I should be going to intervals in the morning but know that I need sleep so that I can do what I need to do tomorrow while at the uni so will attempt to do my own thing at some point in the day.

Tuesday 8th March 2022

A rest day for me from exercise, however, no lie-in as needed to be up and at it as I had lots to do today.

Today is International Women’s Day #IWD and so I spent the day celebrating women in my life who have supported and encouraged me when I needed it the most. I used Instagram to raise up others.

I attended a lunch networking event with 150 or so women from Lincolnshire to again celebrate womanhood. There were 4 incredible women speaking about their story, journey & life lessons. The emotion and energy in the room at times was palpable. A truly inspiring event.

It made me reflect that sometimes I need to celebrate myself and who I am beyond how I look, this is not something I find very easy at all, especially at the moment when I don’t feel as comfortable in my own skin as I would like and my confidence is so tied up in how I look, it shouldn’t be but it is!

I’m writing this post through tears as been feeling that I’m wading through treacle most days, just trying to hold things together as well as moving forward in certain areas of my life so don’t feel like I have much to celebrate right now! My views are possibly clouded due to the fatigue which is why I often will make the effort to shout about other people’s (mainly women) achievements as I never want anyone to feel how I do sometimes.

Monday 7th March 2022

Here we go again, another Monday is here!! I did a home workout this morning as knew time was tight to get to the uni in time to start my session.

I do love doing workouts at home as it is so much more convenient, just wish I had more space and more kit so that I didn’t have to do quite similar movements as well as try not to injure Sophiecat who seems to want attention just as I’m about to throw the kettlebell around or drop into a burpee! I’ve given up on skipping in case I whip her with the rope so do jumping jacks instead.

Despite not doing as much lecturing as usual as had organised some guest lecturers for today’s sessions I feel completely shattered so haven’t done much since I got home from work.

One of my friends is studying the same course I did 13 years ago so have asked them if I can book into the training clinic as a client to get a 2nd opinion about my fatigue and offer some advice, I’m also seeing a herbal medicine practitioner next week too so hopefully I can get on top of my fatigue to be able to do more. Some might say that I do a lot anyway but I do feel that in the last year or so I’m actually doing a lot less than I used to do.

I could do with not being tired this week as I’ve got a lot on with both the uni work and my own business so I know that I will just have to push through it and rest when I can.

Sunday 6th March 2022

Today Sophiecat woke me up at 3am, 5am and 6am when I finally gave in and fed her, going back to bed afterwards!!

Thankfully due to not drinking very much yesterday I didn’t have a hangover so despite the disturbed night I felt ok.

I did a bit of desk work before I get ready for my swim and as my trisuit arrived I thought I’d try it on and had a bit of a wake-up call as I simply get it past my knees!! I ordered the largest size the brand does and know that it’s supposed to be tight/snug fitting but it has upset me quite a bit.

Since puberty I’ve had big hips, I take after my dad’s side of the family who are/were all quite well/heavy set. I’m under no illusion that I will be a size 8 body shape and I’m ok with that. I just want to feel strong and toned but right now I feel either of those things and not being able to fit into the trisuit has been a massive wake-up call. Time to get real and stop kidding myself about my “healthy lifestyle!”.

I did go my swim today, it was bitterly cold as there was a crosswind at the lake which meant at times the water was wiping in your face but I did it which is an achievement as definitely a mind over matter thing today.

This afternoon, I’ve been out to meet a friend for a coffee and a chat, which was really nice, this is another friend I’ve known for ages and we are in quite similar life situations so great to share ideas and support each other.

Tonight is going to be a relaxed one reading the paper and a bit of Tellybox, I’ve got a full-on week coming up so need to be well-rested for it!

Saturday 5th March 2022

Saturday means one thing – Intervals! Was really up for it today seeing as I didn’t do any formal exercise yesterday. It was a 3 person workout but as one person didn’t turn up I ended up in a 4 rather than 2 pairs! However, it contained lots of squats and my right knee is just not right at the moment, so had to abandon the workout after 18 minutes as my knee wasn’t very happy. I felt bad for letting the other 3 people down and pissed off with my body for not working as it should but I know that when I get certain signals I have to stop so the rest of the workout I did a steady cycle on the bike just to feel like I’d done a workout. I will book a session with my physio this week for them to have a look at it.

Normal Saturday ritual of the food shop after intervals, today however I hardly needed anything and was back home by 9am! Chilled for a bit before getting ready to head out for lunch with a friend.

I got the bus into the city as usually we have quite a few drinks end inevitably I miss the last bus home and end up having to get a taxi. However, today I was determined not to drink too much and get the bus home. As soon as I saw my friend I said that I WAS getting the bus home, she was cool with this as both of us seem to be struggling a little with the blues after drinking alcohol and decided that we would save the blow-outs for birthdays and Christmas and the lunches in between would be more sensible!! Lunch was lovely and we shared a bottle of white wine. We then decided to have one cocktail before having coffee and cake to round the day off!! It was absolutely lovely. We have been friends for over a decade and always have a right laugh when we are together, mainly putting the world to rights!

I was home by about 5.20pm so have had a chilled evening, drinking plenty of water and watching a movie! And now I’m in bed writing this blog post. As each day passes, I give more and more thanks to the life I have as feel so grateful for the struggles I’ve had over the years as it’s made me who I am today & and got me to a good place.

Friday 4th March 2022

No gym or exercise today as I slept really badly, the anxiety I was feeling yesterday carried on during the night and into today!!

Thankfully, I’ve been lecturing today and had a couple of meetings so that has kept me busy and stopped my anxiety from getting any worse, although the subject I am teaching at the moment is very close to what is going on in the world.

On the way home I popped to the local butcher and picked up some pig trotters to make bone broth, a fellow nutritionist told me that pig trotter were the best for making it, I made some a couple of weeks ago and quite liked it, the recipe needs a bit of adjusting but overall it is something I could make regularly and as they are only 50p each it’s a steal compared with buying bone broth online.

A friend popped over for a catch up after work which was lovely as I can often go days if not weeks without actually meeting up with friends, I chat daily with them online on WhatsApp, Messenger or Instagram but there is nothing like being in the same room as them to feel that true connection. Saying that I am seeing friends on both Saturday and Sunday this weekend which will be fab as well squeezing in some work as got a busy week next week with two events on the same day to prep for!!