Saturday 12th February 2022

Despite waking up feeling rough again today I still went to intervals, a couple of friends said yesterday that they were going this morning and I didn’t want to be a Larry letdown so sucked it up and got there for 7am. The workout was hard but quite enjoyable and I’m always glad that I did silence the brain goblins!

After the gym, I did a big food shop and was home by 9.30am! Made myself some coffee and sat on the sofa and haven’t really moved from there since.

Feel completely wiped out so today has been a bit write off and haven’t done any of the things I had planned to do which frustrates me a little bit, however, sometimes I know that I need to just do what my body is telling me to do and as I seem to have a cold and cough, rest is what I need.

I will soon be going to bed as I simply can’t keep my eyes open and I can feel myself getting emotional so will escape into a book and forget my woes.

Friday 11th February 2022

This morning was a real struggle to get to the gym, woke up feeling a bit rough and was having an argument with the mind goblins for ages, they won out to start with as I unbooked myself from the session and then I was like “no, Rachel, you are awake now, move your arse and get to the gym” which is what I did. And it was hard but I was glad I did it as in all honesty I was awake and going back to bed wouldn’t have made me feel any better. So that’s 4 sessions out of 4 this week, what a turnaround from the last few weeks and months!!

I had a full day of lecturing today which went so fast which is good in a way because as the day progressed I started to feel rough, eventually I gave in and came home earlier than I normally do, not at all an issue as I’ve done over my hours this week anyway & all my colleagues had gone home already.

Got home and sat on the sofa and not really moved all evening, started to cough so did a Covid test which came back as negative, so think I’ve just picked up a cold from somewhere & I know that I do tend to get a cough when I’m recovering from it so this might be the tail-end of it hopefully. This cold might explain some of my tiredness this week so hopefully, with a quieter weekend planned I can rest up and recover and crack on with life next week.

Yesterday I also managed to burst a blood vessel in my eye, not sure when it happened but looked in the mirror to see a blood red dot on my eye, after a bit of Googling I was reassured it was nothing serious, it doesn’t hurt and hasn’t affected my vision, just looks a bit weird, hopefully, in a day or two, it will dissipate.

Thursday 10th February 2022

3 out of 3 gym session this week and I’m on a roll!! Feels good to be more active again and need to remember this feeling when the excuses come and override them and crack on.

Had a call from the practice nurse at my doctor’s surgery about my blood results, she was really friendly but told me everything I already know and not able to give me any answers about my fatigue so will make some adjustments myself and see how I get on then if still nothing is improving I’ll go back to the doctors to see if they can offer a solution. I’m also going to chat to a couple of friends who practice herbal medicine and accupunture to see if they can offer any solutions.

It was a business day today and I cracked on with some work and some admin which was much needed, I love what I do, however, running the business bit of it can be challenging at times as it’s not what I’m good at. Over the last decade I have got a lot better at the business side of things as I have had to, to keep the business afloat but still doesn’t get any easier.

I am hoping this weekend I can get some down time as I’m currently on my 11th day of working with no break and I can tell that I’m mentally tired as not only have I’ve been struggling to get my words out (I’m in a middle of a sentence and my mind just goes completely blank with what word comes next) but my stammer is back as well as a twitchy eye which all suggests I’m overtired (more tired than my normal tired).

Wednesday 9th February 2022

Yay, another day and another gym session made!! 2 out of 2 this week which is good going for me recently…

Today has been a business day so working at home which is great! I love my home office and all that it stands for, my desk set up is perfect for what I need it to do and the room itself is bright and airy, although it does need a sort out and tidy which is on the forever growing todo list! One day…

My blood results have been playing on my mind a little today mainly wondering which way to go to address my tiredness, I know I mentioned adrenals yesterday but wondering if it is something much deeper, like emotional stuff I’m holding on to.

There have been tears today as I walked back from the post box as I am just exhausted, it’s hard for me to put into words the extent of the tiredness I feel and I don’t think many of my friends truly know how little energy I have most of the time as I’ve learnt to live with it for years and carry on regardless but as I get older, it’s harder to keep the mask on, something needs to give and right now I’m not sure what that is.

Not sure what else to say really, I’ve been staring at the screen for nearly 5 minutes and there is nothing in my head, usually these posts flow naturally out of my head through my fingers on the keyboard with very little resistance but tonight my brain isn’t playing ball.

Tuesday 8th February 2022

Tuesday is my rest day from the gym, not that I need any more rest days after having most of January off but I have a routine that I like to stick to, am a little achy from yesterday’s workout so probably a good thing to break myself in gently getting back into the swing of things.

I got my blood results back today and all except one is normal and the abnormal one isn’t related to my tiredness! In a way, I’m relieved that there is nothing really wrong with me medically but I am a little stumped as to what is causing me to feel so tired most of the time. My head goes to adrenal fatigue as this is something I’ve suffered with before when I lived in London & managed to recover with complementary therapy & a change of lifestyle (I moved to Lincolncolnshire). I know that I have been quite stressed for a very long time (5 years +) so perhaps my body just needs some support to repair the damage caused by the stress.

Time to take a step back and have a long hard look at my life as I can’t continue feeling like this if I’m honest. I need to make some big changes fast if I am going to achieve this transformation and regain control of my health.

Monday 7th February 2022

It’s funny how your mindset/thinking can change without you even realising! Last night I went to bed about an hour and a half later than I usually do, as I had a bit of a full-on day which meant I said down to eat later than normal and then that had a knock-on effect for the rest of the evening. Anyway, January Rachel would have binned off the gym this morning knowing that she would be tired this morning from a shorter night’s sleep & that this morning would be a rush as it was a uni day.

However, last night despite going to bed later I still planned to get up at my usual time and crack on with it and that’s exactly what I did, got up and on it! Packed my bags with my work clothes, prepped all my food and headed to the gym for the 6.30am class.

No excuses, no mind goblins complaining about lack of sleep, no negative self-talk I almost felt back to my usual self of a few years ago when I went the gym hell or high water week in week, week out without missing a workout.

If I’m honest, it felt amazing and I’m hoping that I continue to have this mindset as I get shit done when I’m in this frame of mind.

The only whoops moment from today was that I actually forgot my towels to shower! Luckily I hadn’t gotten into the shower before I realised my error and did a wet wipe wash instead, not as nice or refreshing as a shower but it did what it needed to do, I probably smell now but who cares!!

The rest of the day went in a flash and before I knew it was time to head home. Getting home there was a small parcel on the doormat, I was racking my brain to remember if I’d ordered something from somewhere but alas, on opening it it was a lovely small gift from a very good friend, over the last few weeks I’ve been hatching a plan for a new business and asked some trusted friends to act as a sounding board for my ideas/plans and this gift was to wish me luck in this venture, I was truly touched by the thoughtfulness of the gift. It’s something I would do for my friends and am still surprised when people do it for me, I still struggle with feelings of worthiness and self-love so gestures like this really touch my heart.

Sunday 6th February 2022

So here we are again, another week done and dusted!! The days, weeks and months seem to whizz by these days.

Today is one of those days, a Sophiecat wake up around 7am, I got up made some coffee and sat at my desk, an early start I know to work on any day really let alone a Sunday but I knew I had quite a lot to get done today so was determined to get started as soon as I could.

I braved the weather this morning and went for a swim at my local lake, supposedly it was a touch warmer than last week but didn’t feel it as the wind chill was colder. I know some will think I’m batshit crazy for doing it and when I’m standing by the water’s edge I think that I am too, but then I take the plunge and slowly but surely I submerge my body, your body is screaming at you to get out but eventually, it becomes tolerable and in that moment I find peace, a sense of calm that I can overcome anything that life throws at me if I just breathe, stay in the moment and keep moving forward & deal with whatever I am facing!

I managed about 10 minutes today, a little longer than last week and once I was out of the water I was a little gutted that I didn’t stay in longer. It’s then a rush to get dry and dressed as quickly as possible to allow your body to warm up slowly!!

Once home from the lake, I cracked on with work again while listening to the Winter Olympics. I eventually finished working at 6pm, then it was time to cook some tea.

My mum rang me tonight, I don’t have a close relationship (either emotionally or geographically) with my family, in fact, my parents live in France and my sisters live in the south of England and The Netherlands. My mum tends to ring every fortnight just to check that all is well, it’s not a long conversation as I don’t have much to tell her but thank her for ringing me. We’ve never been a close family and I’ve been fiercely independent since I moved out of home when I was 16, my friends are more like my family now and I am so thankful for them as they accept me for who I am which is something I’ve not always felt from my family.

This week has been a timely reminder that I am doing ok, well more than ok really and that if I keep focusing on the positives then I’ll keep on moving in the direction I want to go!! Life is good if I just keep my eyes open to all the possibilities,

Saturday 5th February 2022

Had a lazy morning today, I was all set to go to intervals at 7am as I like to get it done and out of the way on a Saturday so I have a whole day to do other things. However, as it was the end of the 8-week cycle we do for intervals it was a team final and the session had been moved to 8am. I know it’s only an hour later but it messed with my head so didn’t book onto it. Lame excuse maybe but I also had a busy day ahead so knew that not doing exercise at the normal time would stress me out a bit.

My day was busy as I was working at the uni for most of it, as we are in the process of recruiting new students for our September intake we had an offer holders day, which means that any student that had received an offer from us could come along and learn more about the uni and their chosen subject area in a hope that they accept our offer.

A colleague and I team-taught a short session with two students who are interested in our business undergraduate degree and it got me thinking which is amazing really as I never went to university as these students are planning on doing.

When I was at the age when you start working out your future after school (probably around 15/16 years old) I remember being told that I was “too thick” to do A-Levels and that I should busy myself with something vocational. At the time I was a little upset by the comment but my parents suggested that I studied food technology at the local agricultural college as I had always shown an interest in their food business growing up & it was the better alternative to catering college, also meant I got away from the students who had bullied me during the last two years at school!!

However, this comment has stuck with me all my life and I’ve done numerous qualifications in a range of subjects to try to convince mainly myself that I’m not thick! As it happens, I’m dyslexic which was diagnosed at 30 years old thanks to a very observant tutor when I was studying for my nutrition qualification! I’ll be forever thankful to this tutor as everything made total sense knowing that my brain works differently.

When I first found out I was dyslexic, I was really angry that no one had picked it up before and what could I have achieved if I’d known this when I was at school? However, as the years have gone by I realised that despite not knowing about my dyslexia until I was 30 I’ve achieved some amazing things in my life and in 2018 I actually gained a Master qualification and now I celebrate my dyslexia as it makes me who I am today and gives me a superpower!

This is another reminder that if I truly want to achieve this transformation then I will as I’ve overcome so much already in my life and this is just another hurdle to get over. I just need to crack on with it and stop making excuses!!

Friday 4th February 2022

Not quite sure where today has gone if I’m honest, I skipped the gym again today for the same reason as yesterday which is annoying as I hate the feeling of chasing my tail when it comes to working, hopefully, this weekend I will be able to catch up on my work and go into next week feel a little more on top of things.

I made a commitment to myself this year that I would work less at weekends to allow me more time to spend with friends and work on passion projects rather than paid work to attempt to get more balance into my life. And in the most part so far this year I’ve managed to work fewer hours at the weekend than I have done for years, not quite managed no work but it’s a work in progress.

I might be a little distracted for the next 10 days as it’s the start of the winter Olympics, I love sport in general and will watch almost anything (this is harder now as a lot isn’t broadcast on free to air channels) which is why when big sporting events are on I lap up as much as I can, it is also the start of this years six nations so I’ll be watching the rugby too!! I have split loyalties here as I was born in Wales so technically I’m Welsh (and proud to be too) but both my parents are English and I have lived in for 3/4 of my life so could also be classed as English – to be honest, though I usually just support the team who are playing the better rugby!!

I love the unpredictability of sport and the dedication the athletes show to be the best at what they do, hopefully, some of that dedication will rub off on me and I’ll be more consistent with my exercise…

Thursday 3rd February 2022

Cancelled my interval session this morning, not because I didn’t want to go, quite the opposite really which is a turn up for the books, however, I needed to get some work done before an appointment at 9am so in this instance work trumped working out.

It kind of sucks, especially as I’ve just got some of my exercise mojo back recently but ultimately without me doing the work, then there are no funds to have a gym membership so it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make sometimes. As my financial situation continues to improve I know that in the future I won’t have to hustle as much for every £ of income.

Today, I had a reminder of the ageing process which makes me realise that something I’ve dreamed of for a very long time, ever since I was a little girl is very unlikely to happen in the way I thought it would or if ever! This is extremely painful for me emotionally and I’m in the process of going through a grieving process because of it. Most of the time I keep myself busy so I don’t get a chance to think about it but there are days, like today when the stark reality of a situation hits me like a tonne of bricks and I’m totally floored by it.

I love being a nutritionist and the support & help I give to people but the downside to it is that you understand in quite a lot of detail how the body works therefore when things change in the body you know why which can be hard to deal with both physically and mentally. I know my body is changing and the body clock is ticking pretty loudly right now and it makes me sad for what might have been.