Monday 6th December 2021

As the days’ tick by in 2021, I’m getting excited about what 2022 might hold for me, lots of thinking going on about how I can change my habits to improve my life, decided that between now and the end of the year will be all about the prep work so as soon as I wake up on 1st Jan 2022 I can hit the ground running and make 2022 my best year yet.

For many years I’ve shied away from making big plans as a few years ago I made all these plans for the forthcoming year and halfway through I had a bit of a mental health breakdown which threw my world upside down, although I’m in a much better, different place now I’m still reminded of the feeling I had at the end of that year when I hadn’t achieve any of the things I had set out to do that year.

I know that making sustainable plans/actions/habits/goals will help me move my life forward so need to look at the positive even if I don’t reach the goals I know I will be further forward than if I don’t plan/make goals etc.

I’m so excited I feel a real buzz of energy to start getting things sorted and look to the future rather than going over the past which I’m quite guilty of doing.

Sunday 5th December 2021

Another slow day today as feel like I need to just be rather than rushing around doing stuff!!

My phone has been off for the day which makes me feel at ease and know that messages will get answered tomorrow.

I have done a bit of work as I had to finish off a tender document as the deadline is tomorrow, I’ve put it off for about a week as I struggle to fill out forms with my dyslexia! I printed the document out and have re-read it quite a few times to make sure I understand what is being asked and give the right fullest answers I can.

This is where the problem is as I know what I do and what I’m good at but finding the words to describe it effectively is a different story, this is the bit of my dyslexia where I haven’t yet found a strategy to help me. Most other things I struggle with over the years I’ve found ways around it that work for me but getting stuff out my head onto paper/screen is still really challenging, people often say can I dictate it and I have tried this but still the words that come out my mouth aren’t the same as what’s being said in my brain, this might sound strange to some it’s really clear in my head but I just can’t it out.

Anyway, I’ve received acknowledgement that the tender document has been received so will try to put it out of my mind so I stress about it while I wait to hear the outcome.

A busy week this week ahead as at the uni four days and planning on getting back to the gym and try to find my mojo for it!

Saturday 4th December 2021

Today I had a Sophiecat wake up, I had planned to have a slow morning after an emotional week, my Saturday alarm is usually 5.41am and sophiecat woke me up just before this alarm. I fed her and went back to bed and woke up again just before 8am.

I got up, made some coffee and got back into bed and played on my phone. I don’t do that much and only really do it when I’m anxious and trying to shut out the world.

A friend called for a catch up which was lovely, I’m so grateful to my friends who are always there for when I fall and help me back up.

I headed into town on the bus as I was meeting some friends for lunch, which was wonderful and for a few short hours I forgot my troubles.

Came back home by 5.30pm and settled under a blanket on the sofa with Sophiecat to enjoy some tellybox! Again due to my emotional state this week I’ve had the tellybox on but not really watched it, my head has simply not been there.

Have decided to turn my phone off for the next 36 hours as just want some down time as well as having quite a bit of work to do so don’t want the distraction.

An early night is called for too, so will be off to bed soon to read for a bit as once again I’ve neglected this week and it something I enjoy doing.

Friday 3rd December 2021

This week has been really tough emotionally, last week I started chatting to a guy online and we hit it off, all was going well and then I fucked up, I allowed my insecurities to get the better of me and I made a mistake, and unfortunately, although I apologised the guy decided that he didn’t want to chat anymore. I’ve gone over my actions hundreds of times in my head and wish I could have changed them but that’s a lesson learnt.

Feeling emotionally strung out and still having to “show up” for work has been hard, tears aplenty and sleeping badly. I feel like hiding away and shutting the world out for a while. I am so glad that I live on my own as I can kind of do that if I really wanted to. I’ve kind of done it in the past where I’ve turned my phone off for a few days, am tempted to do a longer period over the festive break as a way to “reset” myself

Not been to the gym and my appetite has been non-existent, knowing that I need to force myself to eat to keep my energy going. Have lost all motivation around exercise which is really unlike me if I am honest, usually it can go for a few days but it’s been months this time around. For most of this year, I’ve not really felt it and as I see other gym members getting fitter and stronger I feel like I’m going completely the other day which isn’t a great thing when I’ve set out to do this full life transformation.

Not really sure how I get back into the zone, maybe some rest at Christmas is what I need.

Thursday 2nd December 2021

Another day in the home office and I started work just after 6am as Sophiecat had woken me up and won’t leave me be until I got up and fed her.

Wanted to crack on with some work anyway as today I had a physio and facial appointment booked. So knew 3 hours out of my day would be taken up with these appointments.

For years I’ve never really invested in physio when I’ve had injury or niggles as there simply wasn’t the budget to allow for this or possibly there was budget but I never felt that I deserved being invested in!! I still struggle with this which is why I also booked myself a facial as feel that I need to start putting some time and money into me.

This is a little challenging for me as my mum doesn’t see the value in beauty treatments and holds the belief that it’s wasting money, extravagant and unnecessary. This belief has been quite vocal in my life and I really want to crack it as I do get where she is coming from but I also believe that sometimes it’s good to have treatments that rejuvenate and boost you.

The facial I had today was gorgeous and so relaxing, relaxing to the point where I was nearly asleep at one point. Moving into 2022 I think I’m going to put some dates in my diary where I spend time looking after myself, self-care/pamper days whatever you want to call it but simply stopping and taking some time out. Probably just one Saturday a month where I might pay for a treatment or simple do my own home spa, have a long bath, moisturise my body, and do my nails all things I think about doing but never do.

Wednesday 1st December 2021

The usual early start for me today and not because I was going to the gym but because I knew I had a lot of work to do today so wanted to crack on with it as soon as I could.

Now that I work part-time at the uni I relish the days I’m in my home office doing my own business stuff. I always loved what I do as a business, I basically built the business around the things I enjoy doing and am good at but now having time away from it lecturing has made me love it even more and the fire in my belly, hunger for success has become greater. I just need to find a way to make it happen.

Today, I agreed to work with a friend who also happens to be a marketing expert on a monthly basis to give me some accountability for action. I’ve realised that I need this kind of thing to make things happen. It’s not that I don’t do stuff that gets me closer to my goals, I just get caught up in the day-to-day stuff and the future stuff gets left at the bottom of the to-do list.

I’ve been quite emotional over the last few days due to matters of the heart that haven’t gone to plan or as I would have liked and so now I’m in reflection mode and feel that I need to build myself a shield emotionally to help navigate my way through certain areas I struggle with and to find inner peace & love over the coming days, weeks and months.

Tuesday 30th November 2021

Not a long post today as I’m all out of energy and emotions today. Been a trying few days which one day I’ll be brave enough to share.

A uni day today and I got to take the students off campus for a trip to our county council’s scrutiny committee meeting which we were invited to by one of the councilors a few weeks back. We got to sit in the council chambers and listen to the meeting.

As I don’t come from a typical academic background I often get imposter syndrome when I’m with my colleagues and this can be really soul-destroying at times, however today I’m reminded that I bring other skills to the team which are seen by the right people as just as valuable and not to let the mind gremlins get me down.

I really can’t believe that tomorrow is Dec already which means that today, this transformation has been going for 4 months and progress is pretty slow… really need to pull my finger out and sort my head out once and for all!!

Monday 29th November 2021

A strange old day feeling quite emotional and teary at times! I know this is a running theme at the moment but putting it down to tiredness and stressing about things I don’t need to stress about, typical behaviour of mine over the last decade or so.

No gym this morning, just cracked on with work and then went to the uni, none teaching day with lots of stuff to sort out for the coming week, it’s all go go go at the moment which I sometimes overwhelming especially if I’m emotional.

Managed to hold it together for the hours I was there but tears have flowed easily tonight. We have just three more weeks of teaching before the students break up for their Christmas break so last leg of the year…need to remind myself to keep going as you’ve got this.

I’m going to use the Christmas break to give myself time to rest and regroup for 2022 and work out a workable plan for this transformation as feel like it won’t happen until I put a bit more meat on the bones so to speak.

Sunday 28th November 2021

Had a bit of a lie-in today, made the decision last night to cancel the gym as well as the swimming as felt I need to catch up on sleep and crack on with work.

Slight regret on the swimming front as when I eventually opened the curtains it was a bright blue sky frosty day with snow on the ground and knew that the lake would be magical, but also knew that it was probably too cold for me to swim so I just enjoyed being at home in the warmth.

Today has mostly been about work, I had a lot of recipes to do and managed to get half done which I’m pleased about.

I cooked myself a roast chicken dinner which was delicious and also some bolognese sauce for quick meals in the week.

The day has whizzed by really and before I knew it was bedtime!!

Saturday 27th November 2021

Woke up to a bitterly cold day with storm Arwen hitting our shores, managed to make it to intervals, and thankfully it was indoors! But typically the movement I did last night in my home workout was programmed in for the intervals sessions so within 24 hours I’ve done 350 sit-ups!! Abs are starting to ache somewhat…

Did my usual food shop, I feel so much better when my fridge is full and meals are all planned for next week. Food shopping is one of my favourite times of the week as I love looking around the supermarkets & seeing all the different products on offer.

I do go into my own world sometimes when I’m doing the food shop, and today was no different until I suddenly realised that I need to get home as my friend was coming over as we were meeting up to go to a food and gift fayre.

So I literally had 30 minutes to shower, dress, and put some make-up on and I managed it with about 3 minutes to spare!

The food and gift fayre was a little disappointing so it didn’t take us long to walk around it, then we headed into the city where I live for a wander, it was bracing, to say the least, but this kind of weather really makes me feel alive.

Came home to warm up and housework beckoned, didn’t do as much as I had planned so will continue tomorrow.

I bite the bullet and lit the fire too, I’ve not had it swept yet this year as my normal chimney sweep is really busy & I’ve not got a slot until Jan 2022, was a bit nervous as worried I might cause a chimney fire, so kept it relatively small, seemed ok and the house is still standing, I did pop outside briefly when it was lit to double-check there were no flames coming out the chimney which there wasn’t and now I’ve come to bed and felt the wall where the chimney goes and it’s not that warm so hopefully it will be fine to use for the next few weeks!!

I had booked in for a swim tomorrow, however, the venue has said that if you can’t make it you can cancel it without losing the session, usually, if you cancel within 12 hours of the session time you lose the credit! Half of me really wants to swim, but the other half is thinking it’s far too cold and you’ve not had enough acclimatisation in just skins to brave it. So I’ve canceled it, I might live to regret it as it will be 3 weeks before I get back in the water which might be even colder than it is now! Only time will tell I guess.