Sunday 10th October 2021

Sophiecat wake up as some ungodly hour this morning, managed to fend her off until my alarm went off at 6.21, 9 minutes snooze then I was up and at them.

Like yesterday I had a plan of what I needed to get done today and for the most parts I achieve it.

Today is world mental health day – I am thankful today that at the moment I’m in a good place mentally, yes, I’m frustrated that my transformation has ground to halt due to work and business commitments but overall my lows are not as low as they used to be and I am much more able to deal with the shit that life can throw at me.

One reason for this might be my bed and wake up routine, I’m quite strict with it and rarely deviate from it as I find that if I do I go into a tailspin. I know I’m probably old before my time being in bed before 9pm most nights but it works for me and I’m old enough now not to give a shit what other people think! I like my early morning wake ups so wouldn’t change things for the world.

I find it weird that some habits I find so easy to maintain and others are so much harder to keep, will be exploring this at some point in the coming months as most of my habits for wellbeing focused so wonder why I’m so strict on some and not on others!!

Saturday 9th October 2021

Today was all about work! And not a lot else.

Went to Intervals, first time back at the gym since Monday and felt good, then a quick top-up food shop and home to work.

I had a plan to get quite a bit done and managed to do about 75% of what I had planned.

This is quite a surprise as usually on a Saturday I find it hard to get my head into work mode, however, this weekend I know I need to get quite a few bits done for both the business and for the uni so I kind of knew that I’d have to work today even if it meant forcing myself to do it.

Can’t seem to get back in the meditation habit at the moment, I miss doing it but not enough to start doing it again. Perhaps if I get everything prep tomorrow ready for Monday then I can start doing it again in the mornings like I was before.

Not a lot to say today as I’ve been so consumed with getting work done!

Friday 8th October 2021

It was a hold your breathe kind of day today, a day where you don’t really feel like you are breathing, or kind of holding your breathe!

I was at the uni again today and this time teaching the final year undergraduates, this is the first time teaching them and it got to the lecture start time and no sign of them & I was worried that none of them were going to turn up. Much to my relief they all had forgotten their ID cards so couldn’t get into the building and had to wait to be let in so to speak by another lecturer.

The days session went well in the end and feel like this will be a great module to teach over the coming weeks.

I got to catch up with a colleague who’d I not seen since Monday which was good.

This week has been beyond challenging for many reasons and the next two will also be the same due to a higher workload. As I’ve said many times before I some how, not sure how need to find some balance as I’m heading down a slippery slope of work, work, work and as much as I love what I do I know it’s not a healthy or sustainable way to live.

I’ve been to the gym just once this week so am feeling the effect of not going (it makes me feel more tired when I don’t go)!

Bring on Christmas!!

Thursday 7th October 2021

Today has been a manic but amazing day! The main reason for this is that I spent over 3 hours with a friend who also happens to be an amazing marketer and we spoke about my business and how I can be more proactive in my approach for promoting the business and gaining more clients. The fire in my belly for my business has always burnt bright but often other things take my focus and I get distracted.

We did a number of activities including one which was about my story and why people might buy from me. After filling the page with my qualification, knowledge and experience she quoted – “why aren’t knocking down your door to work with you, you are amazing?” This was lovely to hear of course but the main reason this isn’t happening is my self-belief, or I should say my lack of self-belief! And because my friend knows me so well this is what she said too.

This is one of the main areas I want to work on during this transformation year as it’s something that I’ve been dogged with all my life and I can probably tell the exact reason why but ultimately knowing why isn’t necessarily going to help me overcome it.

And I’m very good at hiding it too, most of what I do as a business and now as a lecturer I am able to put on a “mask” and perform so to speak and this means I can hide stuff!!

I’ve often wondered what my life might be like if I truly believed in myself and often wished I could see myself through others eyes so I could see what they see in me that I can’t see in myself.

Cor, that all went a bit deep!

I finished off the day catching up with another friend over dinner and now I’m totally spent so off to the land of nod as another full on day tomorrow.

Wednesday 6th October 2021

After my early bedtime last night this morning I fed Sophiecat at her usual time about 5.30am and came back to bed and drifted in and out of sleep until 8am. This is something I hardly ever do, I’m a alarm goes off, press snooze one and then get up kind of person but something inside me was saying I should rest up a little.

Today was a business day so less pressure to be somewhere at a certain time, I had a friend coming round during the day to help me with some DIY jobs that were beyond my capabilities so needed to pop out before they came to get us some lunch.

It was lovely seeing my friend and having a catch up! As much as I chat to my friends via online/mobile apps there is nothing better than sitting in the same room as someone and having a proper chat over a brew.

I also had my first in person networking event this evening since the pandemic started and again lovely to see people and catch up.

And then popped into a friends on my way home for a quick cuppa & catch up – a very sociable day which is great to do again.

I know I’m guilty of getting caught up in a victim mentality and finding the negatives rather than the positives of situations. This week has made me realise that when I look at my life situation from the outside in then I’ve got heaps of things to be thankful for and dwelling on stuff isn’t healthy so moving on and changing the internal narrative is the way forward.

Tuesday 5th October 2021

A very short post today as I’m completely out of energy! First day face to face lecturing and boy it’s tiring!

Overall, it’s been a good day and so nice to be back doing it in person rather than through screens.

Not had a moment to think about the things I’d like to get out of the lecturing, I know I love sharing knowledge and empowering others so hopefully the students will enjoy my sessions and take away skills and experiences they can use in their future careers.

Two days on the business now before being back on Campus on Friday for another day of lectures.

Monday 4th October 2021

Today has been a mental battle!

I got up to fed the cat when my alarm went off and then decided that I wasn’t going to the gym so cancelled my place and went back to bed, 2 minutes later I had an argument with myself that I wouldn’t feel any better for not going to the gym, got myself up, rebooked myself into the gym and cracked on with getting ready and I’m glad I did, I don’t think you ever regret a workout, especially when it’s slinging iron (barbell & weights) around.

I was at the uni today and that was tough too, I know I am more than capable of teaching the students but my brain and body are saying otherwise and felt like I was on an emotional knife-edge all day.

The tears came as I was driving home and have felt out of sorts for the rest of the day/evening. I just feel a little overwhelmed with life at the moment, I know I do it to myself as I’m so driven to succeed that I push my own buttons to achieve more and more as the days/weeks and months pass! I realise I’m doing it until I get this feeling and need to stop and re-group!

Will give myself a good talking to once I’ve finished this blog post and tomorrow will be another day…

Sunday 3rd October 2021

I woke up in a bit of a funky mood today, not sure why but just not feeling life at the moment! This is a bit random as life is pretty good right now, admittedly I’m not doing great with this transformation but work and business are going well, I’m getting head around what I need to do to make changes & move forward with stuff!!

I still did my usual Sunday routine of gym and swim – both make me feel alive in such different ways! The lake was cold! The water temperature had dropped 3°C since last week, I managed 3 laps of the small loop & felt amazing afterwards.

Got home, had something to eat and cracked on with work, however, I have found it hard to concentrate as got a niggle in my head that I can’t explain.

For the last 6 months I’ve been a member of Jay Shetty’s Genius group, he does a live every Sunday on Facebook, when I first joined I attended the live every week, over the last few months this has waned slightly and I’ve missed 9 weeks, each session has a theme and he does blocks of 4 weeks with the same thing, I noticed yesterday that today’s session was the start of a new theme so I decided I’d attend the session live, if you can’t make the live it is recorded and you can catch on it later in the day or week, I’ve said I would do that a couple of times but never do! This is a commitment to myself really so will do what I can to continue to attend each week. This month’s theme is “finding love” I think the universe is trying to tell me something!!

Saturday 2nd October 2021

I had big plans for today to get loads of things ticked off my to-do list but couldn’t seem to peel myself off my sofa!

I did intervals, there weren’t many there this morning as there is lots of other fitness stuff going on this weekend where people are competing. I loved it but also found it really hard, when I saw it written on the whiteboard it didn’t look that bad but boy it got hard 10 minutes into a 30 minute workout. I’ve lost so much of my fitness over the last year it’s so god darn frustrating, I’ve only got myself to blame really so I need to suck it up and crack on with getting it back.

Went food shopping and then came home, sat down and before I knew it, it was lunchtime and then 4pm. I did do a little bit of work but not as much as I planned.

I’ll beat myself up about it tomorrow when I’m working until god knows when to get it all done ready for Monday and other deadlines this coming week.

I feel all a bit bleurgh at the moment, can’t quite put my finger on the exact feeling or where it is coming from but feel like I’m missing something somewhere!!

Friday 1st October 2021

Wow, two months into this transformation and don’t feel like anything has really changed. Today has been about work, work and work!

Still got that deflated feeling I had yesterday and to add to it I’m feeling anxious about next week when I start face to face lectures with students at the uni.

Today I feel like I’m never (and I know never is a strong word) to find a way of finding balance in my life where I can earn enough money to pay the bills, develop myself and have a life! I feel like I’m so weighed down by the burden of life right now that I can’t see a way through it to make this transformation a reality. I know I make excuse after excuse and allow my reality to be clouded by tiredness & worry.

When I’m up I’m up and when I’m down I’m down, just can’t seem to find a happy medium.

This weekend I was planning on working on the business but due to my lack of planning and putting stuff off, I’ll be mainly doing work for my lectures next week.