Thursday 30th September 2021

No gym today as I felt exhausted, I haven’t taken my supplements this week as I couldn’t be bother to explain my actions to my parents, this might sound silly putting my parent’s opinion above my health & wellbeing but I knew they’d only be here for a short while so made that decision for an easier life.

Will start taking them again tomorrow, 1st of the month and all that to kickstart my good habits, well apart from the gym as I feel shattered and looked at the workout and there are lots of movements I can’t do and right now I’m quite emotional and feel that will tip me over the edge and I know I’ll never get better at the movements if I don’t practice them. I’m not usually one to cherry pick which workouts I do, I tend to just go and suck up whatever the workout is but I just can’t face it tomorrow.

Today, I was on a teams call with colleagues and I saw myself and I have to say I didn’t like what I saw so it’s time to stop making excuses and DO THE WORK!! 3 months left of this year and really want to make it count.

I feel quite deflated as I write this which is mad as this month has been awesome work and business wise but I guess that happens sometimes with the ebb and flow of energy but I also know that I’m not being as honest with myself as I should be, if I want to make BIG changes in my life I have to step out my comfort zone and MAKE IT HAPPEN!!

Wednesday 29th September 2021

Like yesterday I had a weird kind of feeling from the moment I woke up, I had planned on going to the gym but felt like it wasn’t the right thing to do so grabbed a coffee and did some work instead.

My folks left today to go stay with one of my sisters for a few days before they go back home to France. The morning they leave I always find it a bit stressful making sure they’ve got all their belongings and supplies for the journey etc., today with the issue with fuel added to this stress as they weren’t sure where they were going to get some.

They called me to tell me that a local road I needed drive on was closed (thankfully it had reopened when I needed to drive on it later in the day) and then called again to say they managed to get enough fuel to get them back to France so that’s a relief and also know that they got to my sister’s safely.

With their visit over, start of a new month and start of a new routine at the uni as for the next 16 weeks I’ll be working the same days each week I feel like I can start to give more time and attention to this transformation as I feel that I’ve been doing it half heartedly for the last two months and making excuses which won’t get me very far. Laser focus is needed!!

Tuesday 28th September 2021

A weird kind of day today, it is my gym rest day so had a bit of a later start and my parents also slept in too.

We didn’t really have any plans for today and there was work that I needed to get done so I did that in the morning but often feel guilty working when they are here as feel I should be spending time with them but then spending time with them can be challenging.

We had lunch then headed into the city to do a few errands, it was nice we had coffee at a local independent coffee shop and then bought some food for our evening meal.

Tonight is their last night here as tomorrow they are off to see one of my sisters. Overall, their visit has been too bad, it has helped that I’ve been able to go to the gym and the uni to break it up a bit. I’ve managed not to make my mum cry so the visit has been a success. Not sure when I will see them next, sometime in 2022 I guess!

Am looking forward to getting some sort of routine back for the other areas of my life I want to focus on with this transformation…

Monday 27th September 2021

Early gym session this morning and feels great to be back into the flow of going regularly, I’ve now managed to do 2 weeks of my “normal” routine so that’s 3 x Crossfit workouts, 2 x Intervals and then 1 doing my own thing/open water swim.

I know that I’m a nicer person when I do regular exercise as well as being able to handle what life throws at me more effectively and my mental health tends to be on a more even kneel too.

I’m not going to take this back in the flow for granted as I know that if I take my eye off the ball then I’ll slip back into old habits and making excuses not to go.

I find it so weird that a few years ago I was totally in the flow with exercise and loved it, yet I broke the habit for various reasons and have found it so hard to get back into the habit.

With my folks being here I’ve not managed to do some of the things I normally do as it’s hard to have the mental space away from them and their needs.

Nearly two months into this challenge and feel like I’m make little or no progress, my own fault I know so time to be more disciplined and doing the hard work mentally.

Sunday 26th September 2021

Today started with a Sophiecat wake up around 5am, I am an early riser most days but 5am on a Sunday was just a little too much, she was quite persistence with her meows and I finally gave just before 6am to get up and fed her and as I was up I made myself some coffee and finished off some work that I didn’t get done yesterday.

I went for a swim at the lake at 9am which was a little chilli (air temperature) but once in the water it was glorious, the lake has a small little loop of 200m and a large big loop of 800m, I have swam the big loop a few times but generally I tend to swim the small loop multiple times, I have a mind fuck when it comes to the big loop as feel like I’ll get half way round and not be able to finish. One of my goals for this transformation is to swim a big lap front crawl without stopping…so I do need to work on my brain talk to achieve this.

Once home I had a quick breakfast and then took the folks to Cleethorpes, it’s an old fashion seaside resort, it’s about an hours drive, thankfully we chose a route that wasn’t too busy. We parked up and walked (very slowly as my dad has mobility issues) to see the (prime) Meridian line which runs through Cleethorpes. Then we went for the traditional fish and chips on the pier.

It was a beautifully warm day with sunny skies and nice to get out and about. Having days like this makes me realise that although things aren’t as I would like them to be, there are lots of positives to be taken from my current situation.

When we got home it was go go go to get ready for the week ahead, I’ve learnt very quickly over the last few weeks that getting stuff ready the night before leads to a less stressful morning and subsequently the rest of the day.

Look for the rainbows after the rain…

Saturday 25th September 2021

Today’s life lesson is patience and understanding!

Went to intervals and did a quick food shop and then home. My parents were up when I got home so straight into being patient with my mum and not get angry with her even though she frustrates the hell out of me, there are lots of reasons for this which I won’t bore you with but safe to say that while they are with me I’ll do my very best not to make her cry… I’m not mean or hurtful to her, it’s just her default setting if you say anything she doesn’t like.

My dad has mobility issues so when we popped into the city to do some errands the walking pace was slower than snails pace which is fine, just sometimes challenging to actually walk slowly.

This is where patience and understanding is needed! I feel that for the most part I’m very accepting of others, however, when it comes to family it can be hard to accept them for who they actually are rather than who you want them to be.

Friday 24th September 2021

My brain has a lot to answer for at the moment! Today I had loads to get done but my brain had other ideas… pulling apart my thoughts, finding the negatives and screaming them from the rooftops!! Making me 2nd guess everything I tried to do.

It started as soon as I got up, whether this is a response to my parents staying I don’t know but I’m seeing my world/life from a very critical place today.

I went to the gym and felt decidedly old! I’m not old in any way, shape or form but sometimes the gym has that effect on me, this is probably mainly to do with the fact that I tend to work out with people who are at least 10 years younger than me which in some ways is awesome as it’s a really motivator, however, on days like today I’m reminded I am older than them and right now my body isn’t capable of doing the things they can do.

I know that this is ok and focusing on just moving my body and enjoying that movement is what keeps me going back even if I find it frustrating.

I love the complexity of our minds and their vast capabilities but also hate the fact that at times like today, they are a never ending prison sentence you can’t escape from.

I’m in bed now so will read my 10 pages of a personal development book and will pick one that’s overtly positive to try to turn my mind around.

Tomorrow is another day…

Thursday 23rd September 2021

Today I had to get my head down and finish two large pieces of work before the invoice cut-off date happened. I was going to bin off intervals to get cracking early but decided that I did have time to get to intervals as long as I started work as soon as I got home instead of faffing around for a couple of hours like I usually do!!

Now that these pieces of work are done I feel I can focus more on me and my personal development for the last few months of 2021 to start with seeing as this transformation has stalled somewhat recently. I love reading and tend to do it before bed, however, of late I’ve not really fancied reading personal development books as my mind has been quite tired so have chosen more fiction books rather than personal development books that will challenge my thinking, beliefs and behaviours.

Books to read

I buy loads of books and half I never get round to reading or start reading them but don’t finish them! These 5 are my current read books! The top on I was given for my birthday by a friend, I’m enjoying it, however, the print is really small so I’m only can read a small bit at a time.

I’ve been thinking about the 100 day challenge and did make a whole list of things to do but have now decided that I will simply commit to reading at least 10 pages of any personal development book each day! So am hoping that by the start of 2022 I will have read these books above and possibly more.

Wednesday 22nd September 2021

The uneasy feeling I had yesterday has also lingered today, I think it’s got something to do with my parents arriving tomorrow (Thurs). I haven’t seen them since Dec 2019 and we are not a close family, I probably speak to them every couple weeks and that suits me.

I left home when I was 16 and have lived 100s of miles from them since then so I tend to be quite self-sufficient and deal with my challenges myself and with the support of my friends rather than my family. So the next week or so will be hard for lots of reasons, I have to remember to be thankful that they are still here and are able to visit me.

I didn’t feel like going to the gym this morning as feeling tired this week but made myself go and glad I did, was a long workout with running which I actually did instead of substituting it for something else as I have been for a few months. It wasn’t easy but I got 2 rounds out of 3 done within the time given.

I had a great meeting with a friend who runs a marketing company who is helping with my business marketing, I know what I need to do I’m just not very good of actually doing it so having some support will give me accountability.

Still thinking about the 100 day thing which will start tomorrow as that’s 100 days of 2021 left.

Tuesday 21st September 2021

Today started well, as it’s a rest day from the gym I tend to have a slightly slower morning which is nice in some ways but in another way I tend not to be as productive on a Tuesday and yes I could replicate the same routine I have the other days but it often feels like my body is needing the slowness but my mind doesn’t like it.

Other than the slower start I’ve had an ok day, a good meeting this morning with an organisation that I might collaborate with and cracked on with some other work as I have a couple of deadlines looming.

For most of the day I’ve have a sense of unease, not sure why, perhaps it’s the effect of the recent full moon and possibly the equinox of moving towards more night than day. Or the fact that today I noticed that there are only 101 days left of 2021 and feel like this year has come and gone without much progress for me in my life and doing this transformation has heightened the lack of progress somewhat which is good in some respect as awareness usually drives change and growth.

So this evening, I’ve turned off my phone and come upstairs to my little box room which is full of books and I’ve made the bed into a bit of a day bed where I can sit and work, last week a bed desk which is working exactly as I imagined.

I’ve got some gentle music in the background and once I finish writing this blog post I’m going to do some journaling to explore what feelings are lurking close the surface of my brain in a hope of some release so that tomorrow I can focus on what I need to get done to make more progress than I have in the last 50 odd days of doing this transformation. I might set myself a 100 day challenge to give me more focus & determination as I think my brain works better when there are tighter deadlines and perhaps 365 is just too big a number for my brain to comprehend.