This is quite a hard post to write but feel it’s time to share something that is really close to my heart and am writing it through tears streaming down my face…
The above phrase I’ve heard a couple of times in the past week when I’ve been asked if I have children, I don’t know why people think it’s acceptable to ask me if I have children in the first place but I won’t have a rant about that now but it’s a question I’ve been asked for years.
The assumption most people come to about me is that I’m career-focused and therefore didn’t/don’t want children. This is not true, yes I am driven and career-focused but I actually would have liked/would like to have my own child(ren) if I could. And the fact is you can be both, I know plenty of friends who are both mothers and have had successful professional careers.
As the days, weeks and months pass I am more aware that my biological clock is ticking down to a point where it is not possible for me to have children biologically and it’s heartbreaking. Every time I see people post about their pregnancy or birth news I am genuinely happy for them but a bit of my heart breaks off knowing that more than likely it will never be me making this kind of announcement.
Yes, I know there are other means to being a “mum”, however, the thing is I would like a child but would like to share that life and journey with someone else too. I’ve now been single for over 10 years and if I’m honest it sucks as shallow as that sounds!! Yes, I’ve had a few flings and short-term relationships but always something isn’t quite right so it ends, usually with my heart broken.
I put a brave face on most of the time, however, as time goes by I lose hope of ever meeting my happy ever after. I’ve recently swallowed my fears and registered on Match.com, I find it so alien, uncomfortable & impersonal so am kind of struggling with it. I signed up for 6 months but am feeling all a bit overwhelmed right now and might just deactivate my account until the new year.
Fairytales only seem to exist in movies and imagination…