November was a month with so many conflicted thoughts and a mixed bag of emotions, a real rollercoaster of a month.
Not sure the reason for such a mixed month as in general everything is going swimmingly really, well apart from exercise (have just lost motivation for this, more about that next month!) but work at the uni is going well, the business is ticking along nicely, however, for most of the month I’ve had a nagging feeling that something needs to change… I’ve probably had the feeling for a long time but not really been able to put my finger on quite what it was.
I’ve never been one to follow the crowd, doing my own thing was who I was, most of the time I don’t give it much thought as I just get on life and do things that feel right for me at the time.
However, there are times when I feel like an alien, the odd one out, a loner for want of a better word. I just feel like I don’t fit in with any group or tribe and this gets to me sometimes. I have some amazing friendships and enjoy spending time with people on a one to one basis, in the past few years I’ve shied away from social situations as feel like the spare part, feel like I have nothing in common with other people and not sure what to talk to them about, that I’ll sound dull and that people won’t want to speak to me…
I feel like I’m not living my authentic self most of the time as I confirm to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked and this is so very tiring and saps my energy daily…
Half of me doesn’t want to fit in as want to be unique and my own person and then the other half is like you’ll end up alone so need to change to fit in!!
As the year comes to the end my thoughts turn to how I want to change to make the coming year better, I’m determined to change some of my habits that don’t serve me well, November was the start of this by making a list of all the things I want to change in my life.
In 2022 I want to be more my authentic self and be completely confident in showing this self to the world, shout it loud and proud and not be worried about the people who don’t like it!! I know this will be a challenge as it changing beliefs that I’ve had for 44 years but I’m willing to give it a go. The hardest thing will be is working out who that authentic self is!!
This will be my mantra for 2022!!
Lincolnshiregirl 