Sunday 10th April 2022

Was woken by the birdsong today, what a wonderful way to wake up, for 90% of the year I sleep with my bedroom window open as I like the room to be on the cool side and love to be woken up naturally by the light and birdsong, doesn’t happen very often as I generally have an alarm set but am trying to stop that on a Sunday and allow my body to wake up when it wants to (or by Sophiecat’s demand for food) either way it’s nicer than an alarm.

My plan for the day was to go swimming and do some work as got client work that needs doing and also an event I need to plan so wanted to get ahead of myself this week. I’m off from the uni too so got a full week (well apart from the bank holiday on Friday) of my business stuff.

Swimming was glorious, water and air temperature were roughly the same at around 10°C, the sun was shining and wasn’t very busy at all. I swim in just my swimsuit but over winter have also worn neoprene gloves & boots, today I’ve braved the water without them and it was noticeable, still managed 600m and stayed in for 30 minutes, didn’t actually want to get out as it was so soothing & cathartic but you have to listen to you body which was telling me it had had enough.

After getting home and cooking some breakfast I did start doing some work and managed about 3 hours, didn’t do as much as I would have liked but that’s ok, will finish it off tomorrow.

Cooked myself a roast chicken dinner for tea which I find really comforting and now it’s bed, another week done and dusted and on to the next one.

I am getting close to having only 100 days left before my birthday and I thinking of implementing some habits for these 100 days, my friend bought me a book called “100 days of self-discovery” – Learn more about yourself every day, this has got me thinking about what else I can do for the last 100 days of being 44.

Saturday 9th April 2022

Today has been a fairly productive day. As usual, Sophiceat woke me up at some ungodly hour to be fed, which I obliged and went back to bed only for her to wake me up again for treats some 30 minutes later! That cat lives the life of Riley and no wonder she is knocking on 20 – god bless her, as much as I don’t like the early wake-up calls, I will be extremely heartbroken when she finally grows her wings for heaven!!

I Will have to get used to waking up early again next week as I attempt to return to the gym and that routine, not sure I’m going to like it much but I know in the long run it is what is good for me.

Once I got up and at it, I headed out for my usual Saturday food shop, did want to get diesel for the car too but my local supermarket was sold out and I refuse to pay a stupidly high price for it!

Once home, I grabbed some breakfast and started cooking. My friend and I have been doing energy swaps, her helping with the garden and doing some emotion code and me cooking her some food and helping with her nutrition/wellbeing.

Last time I didn’t get a chance to cook her any food so this time I wanted her to leave with a few pots of food and I try to make it fresh so she has a few days to eat it.

We managed to get a few more jobs done in the garden, it does look a bit baron right now but she has assured me that in a few months there will be much more growth and life.

We then did some nutritional work and before I knew it, it was gone 7pm!! Times flies when you are having fun and in great company.

After she left I grabbed some food and had a glass of wine, it’s one of my favourite wines, yesterday I bought a couple of mini bottles of it to enjoy instead of opening a normal size bottle which inevitably I’l not enjoy as feel like I’m drinking it for the sake of drinking it so it doesn’t get wasted! The mini bottles suit me fine and I’ll save the larger bottle for when I have company.

In a blink of an eye it’s nearly 10pm and bedtime, but before I climb into bed I need to make the bed as it’s sheet changing day and I curse myself for not making the bed straight away when taking the covers off to be washed as now I’m ready for sleep but need to make the bed before I can dive in….

Friday 8th April 2022

Today I’ve been the master of procrastination!! I’m delivering a training event for a company just after the Easter break and I had planned to work on this all day today so that I could make good headway in getting it started.

I had a couple of other things I needed to get done before I started so told myself that I’d do the other things until 10am and then I would start the event planning. 10am came and went and I still fuck arsed around doing little bits here and there. It wasn’t until about 3.30pm that I did start to focus on the event… was just getting my head in the right frame of mind and realised it was 4.45pm and I needed to get ready to go out as was meeting a friend for a book event at a local bookstore & I needed to change and make myself presentable.

Why do I do this? This is typical behaviour for me! So now it will be a weekend of working to try to catch up on what I should have done today and I know that my bad planning will cost me money as when I order things I’ll have to pay for fast delivery to ensure they arrive when I need them.

I will sit on this over the weekend to understand why I procrastinate/fuck arse around so much when I know I need to get stuff done and the stuff that I need to get done I can do really well. I know that come hell or high water I’ll deliver a fantastic event for the organisation, there is no question about that but I will put myself through hell to do this because of my fuck arsing around.

Anyway, as you might be able to tell I’m a little pissed off with myself for repeating these behaviours which don’t serve me well, something for sure I want to give up before I turn 45 and change a habit of a lifetime!!

Thursday 7th April 2022

Another slower start to the day as working at home today on my business stuff so taking time to have a coffee and breakfast before I dive straight into work.

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had a few solid days working at home since lockdown this time last year. And it’s really nice! I feel a lot less stressed when I’m working to my own schedule.

I received a card from a friend who is currently living in the states today as a surprise, it brought me to tears (in a good way) as feeling so grateful right now for the friends in my life for the support and unconditional love they give me…

It’s been a really sociable week for me this week which is quite unusual if I’m honest, yes I talk to my friends regularly but actually seeing more than one in a week is not the norm.

After work today, I went for a walk with a friend who lives in my neighbourhood, as usual, we walked around the local area catching up on each other news and lives! I’ve not known this friend for that long, probably less than a year but feels like I’ve known them a lot longer, we have lots in common and feel like kindred spirits. Knee was feeling alright but having just done a long fast walk it’s now a bit achy so glad I made the decision to stay off the gym for another week to give it time to get better.

Another day at home tomorrow and then out in the evening with a friend, they have invited me to an event at a bookstore, if I’m honest, I’m not really sure what it is, they had a spare ticket so invited me along!

Wednesday 6th April 2022

A slower day today as working at home on my own business, still an early one as Sophiecat is just not good at sleeping in! Put her off until about 5.30am!

Had a few things that I needed to get done this morning before I went to meet a friend for coffee, I’ve known this friend for a decade, notwithstanding COVID I’ve not really spoken to her in the last 5-6 years, no reason just we both got busy living.

Anyway, I bumped into her last summer and we said that we’d do coffee in the new year and it’s taken us a couple of months to get it organised. So lovely to catch up and felt like no years had passed since we saw each other. These are my type of friendships where not speaking for ages doesn’t really matter.

Got home and did a bit more work and then headed to the lake for a swim! Now that we are in there summer season, they open during the week as well as the weekend which is great as I find it such a nice way to finish off the work day with a swim, it kind of washes the day away. This was the 1st Wednesday they have opened and it was really quiet, just as I like it. I managed to do 800m mixture of breaststroke and front crawl and felt good.

Got home and had arranged to speak to another friend on WhatsApp, this friend moved away last year so don’t get to see or speak to her so much now but so lovely when we do talk and again feels like no time has passed since the last time.

Over the years friends have come and gone in my life, however, now I feel like a great group of friends who really “get me” and embrace all that I am without question and it feels good, maybe these kind of friendships come with age or just as we develop as people and become more comfortable with who we are, either way I love my friends dearly and won’t know what I’d do without them.

Tuesday 5th April 2022

Again a day where there isn’t much to say. I was working at the uni today! I was the only person in my team working so cracked on with lots of admin type activities.

Went for tea with a friend which was lovely, she also works at the uni in another department & our paths cross during work sometimes but nice to spend a couple of hours not talking about work and putting the world to rights.

I am now not back at the uni for a couple of weeks as taken some annual leave and it’s Easter. No days off though as I’ve got a big event in my own business to prep for so that will now be the priority for the next two weeks! I will be having a couple of days off over the Easter weekend so that I’m fully energised for my event which is on just after the Easter break.

Still no gym this week and have decided that I won’t go back until next week to give my knee 3 full weeks rest, well apart from swimming that is but the physio was ok with me doing that as it’s low impact and the cold water will hopefully help with the swelling and inflammation.

Monday 4th April 2022

I had planned to go to the gym today, to attempt to get back into going, however, when I woke up my knee was aching, it still doesn’t feel 100% right yet so decided it was probably best not to push it too early before it’s had time to fix itself & the inflammation has reduced.

I was at the uni today and as lots of people are on annual leave for Easter it was pretty quiet. I finished early to take some hours back that I was due and met a friend in town to visit Gaia which is currently installed in a local museum.

It was simply stunning, we could have sat and stared at it for hours, it was slowly rotating as soft music played in the background. Makes you realise how beautiful our home is and how small we all are on it! The challenges I’ve been facing recently pale into insignificant when I realise there is a whole world outside of my little world & how if I just focus on what I can do for good with the skills I have then my challenges might just shrink and disappear!!

After seeing Gaia, will probably go and see it a few more times before the installation finishes we went to a local cafe for coffee and cake which was delicious. Lovely to catch up a friend who is also a work colleague before I headed back to the uni to do a bit more work and then home.

This evening I’ve been reflecting on some of the comments I’ve had from my blog post yesterday on the subject of love and self-love! It’s interesting to hear friend’s perspective on it and their words of wisdom in helping me to achieve self-love.

Sunday 3rd April 2022

Another quiet day here, got up pretty early again due to Sophiecat being demanding but that was ok as it meant I got some work done before I went swimming.

The lake was glorious today, colder than last week but felt warmer overall and the sun was shining which meant I caught some rays too, I did 3 laps a mixture of breaststroke and front crawl, putting your face in the water stings like hell and even more so when you take it out the water, slowly getting used to this so was able to do more front crawl than the last 2 weeks, the other thing that happens when I do front crawl is when I stop I get motion sickness, where I feel dizzy and the horizon is all over the place, the only way I’ve found to stop this is to start doing crawl again, however, someone suggested that I try some earplugs so I’ve ordered some today with the hope they arrive before I swim again on Wednesday. As it’s now summer season the lake is open during the week as well as weekends, my plan is to go on a Wednesday and Sunday and start to build up the distance I’m swimming as well as doing more front crawl.

The other thing I noticed this week is that I’m quite tearful when I’m warming up, not sure why this is but often when I’m sitting quietly with my thoughts, tears swell in my eyes perhaps it’s just my body’s emotional response to the cold.

As it’s the start of a new month, I’ve just written a new blog post on my other blog for March, it was a tough month for me emotionally for many reasons, I get a really positive response to my blogs as I’m really honest in them, it’s the only way I know how to be so feels natural to share my life like that may be I’m too honest sometimes but hey ho!

Being honest and authentic seems to be a rare thing these days with our cookie-cutter lives on social media filtered to only really show the good bits or curated untrue life! I don’t want to be that, I’m warts and all kind of person and glad I don’t fall for the filtered lives I see on Instagram.

March 2022 – Brighter days are coming…

March has been quite a tough month for me emotionally, the first half of the month I was feeling pretty lonely, not really sure what caused this but tears flowed most days! I’m always so happy for friends when they share the good news about their lives be these engagements, pregnancies and birth announcements but it is tinged with sadness for me as I wonder if any of this will happen to me. Admittedly, I don’t do much to help myself in terms of looking for love as I’m still don’t feel in a place where I’m ready and mentally strong enough to go on the dating apps & see if I can find someone to share my life with.

At the moment I don’t feel great about the way I look as shallow as that sounds and feel that I don’t want to be judged just for how I look as is the case with dating apps. I shared how I was feeling with some very good friends and they were so kind in their response but ultimately it’s me who has to love myself and see my own beauty to feel it and live it.

I also injured my right knee mid-month, god knows how I did it, just one day woke up with severe pain and was unable to straighten my leg without shooting pains in my knee, eventually, I listened to my body and rested from Crossfit and any high impact exercise. Thankfully, I was still able to go swimming at the lake without being in pain and hoping that the cold water may help with the inflammation. I managed to see my physio at the end of the month who reassured me that they thought I’d not done anything too serious and probably just pulled my ACL.

This is frustrating when I’ve only just got my mojo back for exercise but I guess it’s one of those things and I just have to see past the temporary and know that if I rest up (as best I can when I still need to live, run a house and work) it will get better.

This month I had a herbal medicine consultation with the very knowledgeable Hannah who runs The District Herbalist as I wanted a second opinion about what’s going on with my health and wellbeing, she gave me the space and time to talk about what’s been going on for me and gave me some answers, again reassured me nothing serious is going on, made me a restorative tincture to take for a month to see if it will help with my symptoms.

So here’s to a better April, onwards and upwards as they say!!

Saturday 2nd April 2022

A pretty quiet day here with not a lot to report! Sophiecat got me up at 5am to feed her and then I went back to bed and she woke me again at 7am! Got up, grabbed some coffee and read the news online.

Food shop and then breakfast and caught up on some tellybox of programmes I’ve recorded ages ago and haven’t had time to watch them. Also surprising for a Saturday I actually did some work, I don’t usually work on a Saturday as can never seem to get my head in work mode but today I had the urge to crack on with a few client requests.

Feeling a slight sense of uneasiness today, can’t quite put my finger on it but a feeling that I need to do some inward-looking activities but as I avoid doing this as it’s hard and not sure I want to know the answers which is probably why I did work instead. As I did quite a bit of work today, tomorrow I will sit and contemplate my life and see if any answers come up.

There are just 120 days left of this transformation and feel like I’ve completely lost my way with it so need to find a way to make these last few months count towards changing areas of my life I’m not happy with. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to always be better and perhaps I should just be happy in the moment and allow things to happen instead of me forcing it.