Tuesday 19th October 2021

Today has been about head and heart dilemmas, I’ve been offered an opportunity and really in a quandary about taking it. Need to weigh up the pros and cons of it and see where that takes me.

Bused it into the uni again today, a little less stressed about now I know where I get off and on but still challenging working to a timetable, half of me is thinking that using the bus more often even when I have my car back might be an option although the cost of it might be the precluding factor, this week I’ve bought a weekly pass at £19, a single day costs £6.20, so as long as I use the bus 4 days this week I will have saved some money but other weeks using it on the odd occasion might not be cost effective as driving is much less expensive. Good to know there is this option though.

Still no exercise or meditation mojo at the moment, not really sure what will get it back!!

Monday 18th October 2021

Today has been a humbling day as I don’t have my car I had to get the bus into the uni and home later in the day, I’ve not used public transport for a work commute for over 15 years. It’s easy to take our cars for granted when we have the means to pay for them and the fuel to power them but for some this is not an option.

I have to admit I was a little nervous about getting the bus not getting the bus itself as I did on Saturday and have done many times before but I was mainly worried about knowing when to press the button so it would stop and drop me off at the right place and then working out where I catch it to come home and making sure I was there in time to catch it too. This is one of the reasons I don’t tend to use public transport very much as part of my dyslexia is I stress and worry about these types of things and for most of the day it was at the back of my mind that I’d have to walk to the bus stop, flag down the right bus all at the a certain time.

Running to someone else’s timetable is pretty challenging when you are so used to doing as you please as I am so this week will remind me that I’ve very very lucky to have the life I live and that using the bus for work is an opportunity to sit back and relax, albeit for around 10-15 minutes but still time to appreciate the scenery on the journey I won’t usually get to see.

And not stress about all the things I can’t do while not having a car!!

Sunday 17th October 2021

Have had a bit of an easy/slow day today.

Slightly jaded from yesterday’s fun and frolics! Thankfully the hangover wasn’t too bad as I did manage to eat a proper meal when I got home and drank quite a bit of water.

I needed to do a few bits of work but nothing to strenuous and also wanted to write my monthly blog post for my other blog which was an emotional affair as I feel like a broken record sometimes talking about what I want to change but never changing, this has to stop and I need to real focus on what I want and then not compromise on achieving it.

I know I’ve probably said that a few times already on this blog, however, right now I’m sick of hearing my own voice and am determined to make changes for the positive… and for good! I know the road of personal development and actualisation is a bumpy one but I won’t know how bumpy until I start to travel it so time to stop with the excuse and start with the action.

September 2021 – Broken Record

And just like that, we’re through 3/4 of 2021!!

September was a full-on month with work and business activities, the days and weeks just seem to go by in a blink of an eye, which is awesome and so pleased with how this area of my life is developing, however, it comes at a cost as I just about managed a double-figure number of workouts and not a lot else.

This month I have become very frustrated with myself, I often feel like a broken record – saying the same things to friends & to myself and yet not doing anything about it…

After my birthday this year I set about doing a 365 transformation challenge and two months in I’ve not made very much progress at all, everything else seems to get in the way or I’m just avoiding doing the work that needs to be done because:

Working on your mind as with the body takes hard work and dedication – I kind it strange that I want a few things so badly yet, I don’t do the work needed to get them, they are within my grasp if I really really wanted them! I procrastinate, I make excuses, I berate myself, I beat myself up, I waste time! I do the easy stuff and avoid the hard stuff and then wonder why I’ve still not reached my goals!

I have to remind myself about taking small steps consistently and I’ll get to where I want to go!!

So my goal for the rest of 2021 is to sort out my head and find a way to do the hard stuff without it breaking me or me dropping any of the balls I need to keep in the air that is just living life. Creating habits that are sustainable even with sh*t hits the fan and life throws you curveballs.

Saturday 16th October 2021 (written 17.10.21)

Didn’t manage a post yesterday as the day was all about enjoying myself! And when I remembered that I hadn’t posted one it was 11.13pm and I’d just woken from a drunken stupor on the sofa and needed to go to bed!

Yesterday was the first day in what feels like forever when I didn’t do any work either for the uni or the business, although this felt great it also felt quite weird too.

I’d organise to for lunch and drinks with a very good friend. The plan was to get the bus into town and get the bus home too!! Getting the bus home doesn’t happen very often as we usually get nattering and completely lose the sense of time and the same goes for yesterday. The last bus home is at 6pm so not that late really and as they say time flies when you are having fun and ended getting a taxi home around 8pm, having some tea and falling asleep on the sofa at some point.

Over the last few years I don’t feel like I’ve allowed myself to “let my hair down” so to speak, life have been challenging, not just the pandemic but other stuff too and I know I got all very serious (mainly due to being stressed most of the time & not really knowing how I’d get out of tricky situations).

Although we don’t know what life is going to throw at us in the future, I’m starting to feel like I can breath a little more easily and enjoy life more and have some downtime and fun.

Friday 15th October 2021

Quite a rollercoaster of a day and I am completely spent…

So where do I start really?

My car is broken again, the new to me car that I literally only got five or six weeks ago and yes they’ve been tears, questioning why this is happened to me again and probably doesn’t help that I’m really tired.

It always feels like as soon as I get things on track something else bam comes and hits me in the arse so to speak, car needs fixing obviously, yes it will be covered under warranty it’s quite new but I’m without any transport.

I live in a place where you can’t really get anywhere without the car so tomorrow I plan to go into town for lunch with a friend and use bus but as soon as I get home tomorrow night unless I get a lift somewhere I can’t go anywhere other than my estate as we don’t have buses on a Sunday and that’s not a big issue at all because I don’t mind being at home but it just feels so restrictive limiting, and frustrating and annoying I just lost for words it is just so fucking bad luck and then to top it all I dropped a bottle of wine that I just bought smashed all over the pavement so had to go by another bottle of wine.

I don’t want to be upset about this as these are first world problems and there’s so many other stuff going on especially today where people have lost their lives or lost a loved one.

I just want a hug or a cuddle and someone who loves me, this is where being single really sucks, yet I don’t feel ready to embrace dating or trying to find someone to love me.

Thursday 14th October 2021

Today’s life lesson is realising that you know more that you thought you did. Most every day I’m racked with self-doubt, imposter syndrome and have little or no self confidence, this is especially true in my paid job, I know consciously that if I wasn’t able to do it I won’t have been offer the role but deep down in my belly I worry that I’m going to get “found out”.

But for a short period today, I did know what I was talking about and my words in the lecture just flowed naturally without much thought and it felt so empowering. It doesn’t happen how much others tell you that you are good at what you do or have amazing knowledge you need to believe it yourself and this is something I struggle with and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this several times before (broken record again!), however, I feel like there are glimmers of hope that this mindset cycle can be broken.

I bought a book the other day called The High 5 Habit – and it’s all about high 5-ing yourself and being your own cheerleader, this is something I’ve talked about in my other blog but I’m yet to master this habit of cheering myself on. In all the self-help books I read they all talk about finding the inner confidence and not relying on others to give you that boost, work in progress this is!! Will be a long and interesting journey, one I’m willing to take if it means me transforming my life.

Wednesday 13th October 2021

I’m starting to feel like a broken record as today has been much the same as the last two days, at the uni today and no teaching but mainly lesson prep and catching up on other admin.

It was a good day though as some of my colleagues were in the office so good to speak to them and support each other.

Other than that I’ve done business work both before and after the uni, binned off the gym again this morning as I’m simply really quite tired and I know that doing exercise might help, when I wake up in the morning I just can’t face it.

I’ve already cancelled my session for tomorrow morning, if I wake up with energy then I’ll go but right now I could sleep for days…

I feel sad that my personal development has gone out of the window at the moment but if I look at it with open eyes I am still getting some personal development as each time I lecture my students I’m learning new things about myself and getting better at handling them and their questions & behaviours so that is a form of personal development really just not the type I expected I would be doing. And although the subject areas I’m teaching are my business specialisms I’m having to do research into them to back up my practical knowledge and experiences with theory & models to give the students the rounded knowledge they need when they enter the world of work.

Am hoping that I’ll get it all back on track in late October or the 1st November at the latest as time is ticking on and I don’t want to rush this stuff as I know that if I do I won’t deal with it properly.

Tuesday 12th October 2021

Today I feel like “how can it still only be Tuesday” kind of mood! I feel like I’ve worked a full week already in 2 days! Doesn’t helped that I 9th day of working so no surprise I feel tired.

No gym today as my rest day but according to my fitbit I had 10 active hours as I did yesterday, a few less steps yesterday but still lots of movement during the day.

I was at the uni today lecturing level 5 students (2nd year undergrads) and it was a pretty fun sessions, still exhausting as give them my all and energy – in general I’m enjoying teaching, still not used to the “employed” status though, takes a bit of adjustment and not sure it’s for me in the long term, but who knows what the future holds!

Having run my business for the last 10 years and continue to do so I’ve enjoyed the freedom and flexibility it gives me, I work on my terms and the hours I want to work, being employed and working to someone else’s agenda takes a bit of getting used to.

I’m totally spent today so once I’ve finished writing this post, it’s bed for me!

The transformation isn’t going to plan right now, not going to beat myself up about it as that’s life but would like to see if I can make some progress with certain areas this side of Christmas if I can.

Monday 11th October 2021

Another full on kind of day. I didn’t sleep very well last night as I was nervous about lecturing today which meant that my cat Sohiecat was also unsettled during the night and that lead to distrubed sleep all round!

I had planned to go to the gym and I’d prepped everything ready so that this morning there was less prep but I chose an extra hours sleep over a workout! In the end I’ve actually done over 10,000 steps anyway so not a heart bumping workout but least I’ve been active most of the day.

One of my colleagues gave me a small gift today to welcome me into face to face teaching and to show their appreciation of the support I’ve given them over the past few months. Privately I did shed a tear at this as I still find it hard when people are nice/kind to me. Understand and celebrating my self-worth is work in progress.

I believe I’m one of life’s natural helpers, I thrive on helping others, in the past this was at the detriment of myself and my needs but as I’ve got older and wiser I’m now better as helping others without sacrificing myself. I’ve also learnt to only give help when asked or be a little less forthcoming with help.

When working with learners or businesses we often talk about playing to for your strengths or working on your weakness!! In an ideal world you’d do both but in reality you often have to chose where to focus. Personally I think I’m often the working or more rightly focusing on your weaknesses type person more then celebrating my strength. There is no right or wrong way to do it but I’ve realised recently that highlighting your strength is a much more positive place to be and that’s where I’m going to be putting my attention in the future.