April 2020 – New way of living

Like I said last month I have been touched by the contact friends and family have made to check-in to see if I’m okay. I’ve also struggled with it too. I’m used to a fairly quiet life and found the constant noise of social media too much when there are so many ways to speak to people now on different platforms and mediums I found it quite stressful.

As I do most Easters I decided to have a social media free weekend, my phone on aeroplane mode & just let the days flow naturally. The weekend seemed to fly by without me really noticing, I took time to read, just sit and be & of course cook myself nice food and take the time to enjoy it. I caught up on some television programmes I’d been meaning to watch for weeks too.

If I’m honest it’s not a new way of living for me, I’ve been distancing myself for years!! Not sure if this has been a conscious decision, however, having limited funds I have to be careful what I do, which leads me to feel like the dullest person in the world as I don’t do much or go places I really don’t have much to talk about other than my challenges and I don’t think this makes me a good person to be around so I’ve avoided social events, distanced myself from social circles as think who would be interested in talking to me!!

I also know that I’m safe at home, I’m not talking about the virus but more from the point of view that if I’m at home I’m not being judged or criticised, in reality, the fact is it’s me who is doing the judging and criticising of myself, I’ve always been my hardest critic and even with lots of work with a therapist over the years this side of me still rears its head quite frequently especially at the moment.

As I’ve said before I feel a little bit lost, I feel like I’m a shadow of who I really am at the moment (another reason for socially distancing myself). I’ve kind of lost my way and lost my sparkle. So this month I have been making the effort to find my sparkle again, this has meant doing work on myself, work that I’ve avoided for years and if you’ve done any of this kind of work yourself you will know it’s painful and emotionally tough, however, I also know that doing the work helps move you forward. Looking back at your past, un-picking it and then putting yourself back together a stronger more knowing person is the ultimate goal. Like everyone else, I have demons that need vanquishing for me to move on and now with more time on my hands than I would like, there aren’t any good enough excuses not to do it. I am determined to come out of this period a different person to who I was when it all started.

Exercise has been a bit hit and miss, for some of April I had the rowing machine which gave me something different to do, I took it back during the month as requested so have been left with my dumbbells and doing mainly bodyweight exercises and running which is just as challenging as using cardio kit, late in April my gym started a challenge where 7 workouts would be posted over seven days, I saw it and thought yep I’m up for that, then saw that these workouts needed to be videoed as proof that you did them. I think in the time I’ve only videoed myself once or twice as it’s just something I don’t want to do and doing these videos recently has really hit home the need to carry on exercising and looking after my health. I watched the first video back and it made me cry at the way I looked and like I said above I know I’m hard on myself but my god it’s a kick up the arse I needed to make sure that my excuses for not bettering myself in all areas of my life are not bigger than my goals which I think they have been in the past but it stops right now.

As we move into May still in lockdown I’m planning on making May the month where great progress is made on both myself and my future whatever that is as that’s still up in the air so until next time, stay safe and stay well.

R xx

Published by lincolnshiregirl

I'm 40 something gal living in the beautiful county of Lincolnshire, England. I run my own business which is a rollercoaster of good times and bad times but it is what makes life interesting. I'm a self-confessed foodie, which some people might think is bordering an obsession, but a good obsession I would say. I am a fully qualified food technologist, nutritionist and personal trainer and use my skills and knowledge to keep striving to better myself in all areas of my life. Despite being dyslexic I love reading both fiction and non-fiction books and usually have four or five on the go at any one time. I enjoy keeping myself fit and healthy by regular visits to the gym as well as enjoying open water swimming and sometimes I'm brave enough to swim without a wetsuit. This blog is all about my life and adventures.

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