After the rather relentless September, October felt like I just drifting aimlessly!
Over many years I’ve had to work hard to keep my head above water and that hard work is finally paying off with me feeling more in control of my life and finances.
However, this feeling is quite alien to me so October at times felt really strange. I was up to date with all my client work as had some annual leave to take so had more time to do this, and work at the uni settled down into the normal rhyme of teaching. Therefore I had headspace to think about other things which I’ve not felt like I’ve had for a very long time.
It’s hard to adjust to a new way of living and thinking when you have been hustling, This led me to feeling a bit lost, I’ve talked about this before but at times in October, I was really questioning my life & where it’s going.
I often think I should stop thinking so much and just let life flow… but I like to push myself to be better and move forward maybe sometimes this has a detrimental effect on me mentally but as I grow older I understand how far I can push myself without causing it to become negative.
My thoughts turned to the future and the little side hustle I am looking to get off the ground, this has been getting off the ground for the last 18 months, well nearly two years if I think back to when a very good friend of mine and I were having a conversation and she planted the seed of an idea in my mind, however, over the last few months I have been doing stuff (well asking other people to do stuff) in the background to get it moving forward, I can’t wait to share it with you and more on this in November’s blog.
October was also about planning for November as I had more annual leave to use so started to make sure these days were utilised well.
I found September really hard on both a physical and emotional level.
I knew going into the month would be a busy one, with uni inductions for new students and back into the grind of lecturing, I love doing all of this so was also quite excited to see the students again.
Having lectured up until the middle of July and not finishing marking until late August (I know I said last month I did all my marking before my annual leave, which I did, I just didn’t get around to actually writing it up and putting it on the systems we use for assessments), I felt completely on the back foot going into the new academic year as well as knowing I had added responsibilities with my operational lead role.
The days were just non-stop, from the moment I stepped onto campus to the minute I left it was full on and go go go! Eventually, this took its toll on me and for most of the weekends in September I simply pulled up the drawbridge and just sat and stared at my four walls, I was completely over-stimulated, talked out and couldn’t face any human interactions.
Sometimes I find it so hard to balance my energy to ensure that I have enough to give to different areas of my life. I give my all to my work/business as I think deep down inside me there is a lot of fear about not being good enough/being found out/imposter syndrome so I’m constantly trying to prove otherwise. I know that this isn’t healthy or sustainable but I just can’t seem to shake off these feelings no matter what others say about me or how many therapy sessions I attend.
In doing so, other areas of my life get skipped as I simply am mentally/physically exhausted and this was the case in September, shutting myself away helps but then I feel guilty for shutting friends out or getting so caught up in my own head that I don’t notice that they need my support.
As September came to an end, things eased up a little and I was able to breathe (metaphorically) a little more.
I know that I need to find a way to balance areas of my life, not sure how but I know that I will find a way somehow…
August was an opportunity to catch my breath, the year has been quite full on for me juggling my business and uni work especially taking on a new more senior role in January.
I had the first two weeks of annual leave booked off from my uni role, however, in mid-June, I decided to push this back a week as I took on an extra module at the uni and felt that I wanted to get the marking all done before I went on annual so I wasn’t stressing about it while I was off.
The thing I didn’t do was tell my business clients that I was taking time off, I did plan to do it in May/June, but somehow just got missed off the to-do list and before I knew it, it was mid-July and not enough notice to tell them that I was unavailable. I was ok with this, as I’ve said many times before I love what I do in my business so don’t see the work as work really.
However, during the month I was able to take my foot off the gas a little bit and managed to get 36 hours away from home to go to the Bristol Balloon Fiesta, this is a free annual event which sees hot air balloon enthusiasts from all over the country/world converge in Bristol. I had been to it once when I was a child as we lived in the South West of England at the time and always wanted to go back. I had booked an Airbnb for a couple of nights and also booked tickets for the Sky Lounge (this was a private area with a bar and the best views of take-off!). I had asked a few friends if they wanted to come with me but all were unable to commit, I was a bit gutted if I’m honest as I spend A LOT of time on my own so wanted to spend time with others and was debating whether to sack it off.
Eventually, I decided to go as needed some time away, it took an age to drive to my hosts as I hit Bristol city at rush hour and when I eventually got to my Airbnb host they said that it’s always a nightmare with all the building developments that are going on at the moment as well as people trying to avoid the Clear Air Zone. Once I was shown to my room, I headed out for something to eat, I felt a bit self-conscious about eating out on my own, as I didn’t really have a choice (I didn’t fancy a bed picnic) I just sucked it up and enjoy the food and wine.
I am really glad I did go as the morning launch was amazing as was the evening one. I was extremely lucky to witness both as later in the weekend they had to cancel launches due to the weather.
During the month I got to go out for lunch with a friend and had coffee with another one too, although, by the last week of the month, my brain was working overtime knowing what I had coming up in September. I did try hard in August to take a step back from life, however, I find it hard as painful stuff comes up for me and I have had quite a bit of therapy over the years, I know I’ve still got lots of things to work on.
Exercising was also sporadic, to say the least, I just can’t seem to find my groove with it, although I did manage a couple of Stand Up Paddleboarding sessions at Activities Away as well as some swims.
I was glad to see the back of June with the sadness I had been feeling. The first half of July was full on, I had been commissioned to deliver a couple of training courses and although these had been booked a couple of months previously I was behind with the preparation. The dates just seem to creep up on me. So, I didn’t have time to even acknowledge the sadness and it seemed to just fade away.
However, I do know that on occasions I work best when I’ve got an impending deadline, especially for courses I deliver as the energy it creates gives me a real buzz and helps me to create the best training I can. I have been delivering training for over 25 years and still to this day I get giddy at the prospect of sharing my knowledge. Regardless of the content I’m sharing, I do everything in my power to make my training memorable (in a good way obviously). I’m not an attention to detail person generally, but when it comes to creating materials for my training or making up goody bags for the delegates my perfectionist comes alive. Everything has to be perfect, I will spend hours perfecting things so they are just right (and I think I drove my printers mad when I kept asking them to re-do printing when I noticed an error – shame my proof-reading skills weren’t up to scratch!).
All my training went well and the feedback I received was excellent – a real confidence boost just when I needed it. I give my all when I training and I was completely emotionally spent by the end of the month. This is when I start to question my ability as a trainer. I re-read the feedback quite a few times in the weeks after the training to help to my brain believe I’m good at what I do – this is exhausting and something I’m looking at mastering over the coming months.
Any training I do I feel privilege to be able to share my knowledge with others. I’ve always felt that the knowledge I have isn’t mine to hold on to and keep but to give to others to benefit themselves. Most of the training I do is centred about individuals – food and nutrition, first aid for mental health, creative thinking and I just love that I can help people live the life they want though knowledge and empowerment.
During this time I was still lecturing at the uni and the days seemed to blur into each other. It was just get up, lecture, home, sleep repeat. I love what I do but by mid-July my energy was depleted and I started to count the days until I could take some time off.
The highlight of the last week of July was our uni graduations, I find them quite emotional generally and this year more so as I got to see the first students I taught at the uni graduate, they have grown up in front of our eyes and have overcome many challenges and obstacles to complete their degree and I am beyond proud of all of them.
July is my birthday month, I’m not that great at celebrating my birthday as I find it hard, our family have never really treated birthdays as anything special and I want to break this cycle so had planned to do something special with a friend. However, the weekend of my birthday I wasn’t well. I woke up on the Saturday feeling incredibly nauseous, I thought this might pass so carried on the plans I had made and met my friend at a local train station for a day out in London. We got to London and I wasn’t feeling any better so we just waited in the station for a train to bring us home; when I got home, I went straight to bed and slept for 3 hours, this is very unlike me! I got up had some boiled water and plain food and went back to bed. The Sunday, my actual birthday, I woke up with less nausea but jaded from hardly eating anything the day before. I managed to make it out to the shops to pick up a newspaper but came home and felt rough, spent the rest of the day on the sofa.
Exercise went totally out of the window this month as it felt like one thing too much to think about/organise… This is becoming a constant which is frustrating!
Anyway, I survived another months of ups and down, bring on the rest of the year.
For most of June, I felt like I had a veil of sadness draped over me, there is no reason for this, I just felt sad.
I started the month with a short road trip with a friend to get a much-waited tattoo, now, I know that tattoos aren’t everyone’s cup of tea! This recent one has been thought about for a long time and I decided to go for 3 symbols that mean something to me & to act as a reminder when things get tough.
The purple symbol is Unalome – this is your journey to enlightenment, it is a reminder that our path from birth to death isn’t always a straight one, in the right direction or perfect, but full of twists and turns, challenges and lessons to learn and in the end, it’s a beautiful journey to be embraced.
The blue symbol in the middle is the international symbol of gratitude.
The green symbol at the top by my elbow has two meanings depending on the language you speak so either means inner strength or unconditional love.
For over a decade, I have wanted a watercolour tattoo as I love the beauty of them, they are still relatively new in terms of tattooing techniques, and I spent a long time looking for an artist who I felt had the skills to do it well and I found a lady down in Chippenham (hence the road trip). From start to finish she was amazing and I couldn’t be happier with the results. I did this for myself, however, I have had so many compliments about it.
The middle bit of the month is a bit of a blur, with the sadness hanging around I just had to crack on and put on a brave face, I was still in the throws of lecturing and also prepping for some workshops I was running in July so didn’t have the time to dwell on the feelings or search for answers as to why I was feeling like I was.
I know that I do get a period of sadness a week in my monthly cycle, this has become more pronounced over the last few years (putting it down to peri-menopause symptoms) but this was more prolonged and hit harder! When I did pause for a breath I found that tears came quickly and easily, generally, I let them flow knowing that they would stop and at some point, the reason for the sadness would become clear.
The end of the month finished on a high too, I spent the last couple of days of June in London. Late last year I decided I had had enough of not doing things as I was single so started to book events and activities for two people knowing (hoping) I would find someone to do the activity with me. One of the first things I booked was a silent disco at The Natural History Museum and I knew just the person who would come along with me!
Anyway with this in the diary, I was then invited to a 50th birthday party for an organisation I have worked with for the last 10 years and it just happily fell on the day before the disco! What perfect timing (thank you universe). Up until this party I had never met any of the people I had worked with, we do everything through email and the odd phone when it’s too hard to say something on email! I was pretty nervous about meeting the team, I probably speak to some of them more than I do my friends, but I didn’t need to be nervous at all as everyone was so lovely and very appreciative of the work I do for them which was lovely to hear! Everyone kept coming up to me saying – ah you’re Rachel GDA, Rachel Nutrition or Rachel Firecracker, funny how you stick in people’s brains!!
I spent the following day catching up on some work and then it was the silent disco, it was a bit of a late one for me as it didn’t start until 10pm (I’m usually in bed for 9pm) and we arrived just after 11pm and it was amazing, such a stunning venue and for 2 hours we danced our hearts out to the best party tunes and before we knew it, it was time to go home! I would definitely recommend it to anyone (Silent Disco – NHM). I admit the picture below is a bit rubbish but was so hard to get a good shot!! But the DJs were positioned on the central staircase and we danced under the massive dinosaur skeleton (EPIC)
And that was June, this rollercoaster of life really was up and down but…
May was a bit of a non-month really, not sure why!
Just felt like I was on the hamster wheel of life with no way to get off it! Lecturing was still in full swing at the uni with another couple of months to go as well…Firecracker was generating a steady amount of work too.
Now, that my knee was slowly getting better I started to do more activity to attempt to get back into a routine with it. So I headed back to CrossFit to begin to regain my fitness.
Every workout I had to scale or adapt to ensure I wasn’t doing anything that might damage my knee or put my recovery back, I know there is no shame in scaling the movements but still, I found it hard to do knowing where my fitness was a few years ago and comparing myself to now, honestly it was soul destroying.
The good thing about fitness and my past fitness levels is that I know that with hard work and consistency, I can get my fitness back and personally if I’ve done it before I can do it again. So basically it comes down to mindset and habits, the two things that are sometimes quite hard to master! I have to remember why I want to regain my fitness and an exercise routine and focus on that goal, so when the going gets hard, I think about why I started in the first place.
All was going well and I was feeling that finally I was in the zone again! It was a hot sunny weekend so I decided to book a Stand-Up Paddleboard session at a local lake. The paddleboard session went well and eventually, after a while, I built up the confidence to stand up on the board. Afterward, I was sat relaxing in the sunshine, I went to get up and my foot slipped on the grass and I sprained my knee and yes, you guessed it, it was my right knee (the one that has recently been operated on) and I yelped in pain. The team rally around to make sure I was ok but inside I was absolutely distaught as thought I’d serious hurt my knee, I managed to hold it together until I visited a friend on the way home and broke down in tears, she gave me a massive hug reassured me that it would be ok.
Thankfully, it was ok! I spent the next couple of days with my leg raised and a ice pack wrapped around my knee whenever possible. But yet again, exercise was on hold, at this point it felt that the universe was conspiring against me getting my fitness back. I had to dig deep and keep going…
April was a big month as it felt like one door was finally closing and another was opening. The first 6 days were spent preparing for my operation. I wasn’t sure how much mobility I would have, so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of meals and food prepped just in case I was totally laid up. Many people asked me if I was ready for it and in all honesty, I didn’t really think about it until the night before as I was quite busy making plans while I was off sick from the uni etc.
The days of the operation went by so fast, a friend picked me up at 6.40am and I was checked in by 7.05am, I was first on the list so back in my room after the operation by about 10am, when I checked my phone (which I didn’t do before I went down for my operation) there were loads of messages of well wishes which was so lovely & heartfelt to read! I replied mainly with “I’m back, all sorted!!”
Once back in the room I was offered coffee and some lunch, had a visit from the consultant (who bluntly told me that if I wanted to ever run again I would need to lose at least 3stone) & physio (who was lovely and gave me some advice about getting back into exercise) and by 4pm I was allowed home! I was able to hobble out of the hospital, not in much pain but more mobile than I thought I would be. My friend drove me home and stayed over that night to ensure I was ok, there is a very amusing story about piercings & fainting that maybe one day I will be brave enough to share but for now, it will have to stay in my head…
The next two weeks I spent mainly on my sofa, I had made loads of plans to do lots of reading and thinking but in reality, I mainly just watched TV and whiled the days away. I had plenty of visitors to keep me company which was lovely. Especially the 2nd week when I was starting to go a little stir crazy at home. I now look back at this time and feel like I wasted it by not doing some of the things I planned, I drive myself mad wishing I was different sometimes.
Fourteen days after my surgery I had my stitches out and which meant that I could now start exercising again and being more active, by this point, I was chomping at the bit to get moving!
It felt good to be moving my body again, however, it also hit home that where I want to be fitness and health-wise is a long way off and will take me months if not years of consistent action which I find really challenging. I start with good intentions and then just something (mainly my head) gets in my way. But I am determined to get to where I want to be but remembering to be gentle with myself too. I’m calling it my re-health journey…
The last two weeks of April were a blur as I re-immersed myself in life and at times I felt like I was hit by a bus with a neverending list of things that need doing!!
I’m slowly figuring things out in my head that have been playing on my mind for a while and looking to possibly get more therapy to overcome some challenges/blocks I have.
March felt like I was just about clinging onto life and just able to keep all the balls I juggle in the air. The the beginning of the months, I yet again found myself counting down the days until I had a period of annual leave/days off. Doing this has never felt comfortable to me as it feels like you are wishing your life away, however, in the last few years I just feeling like I’m literally just clinging on some days…
I was still feeling a bit lost without Sophiecat at home, the house just feels so much quieter without her.
As some of you will know that my knee has been causing me issues for months, if not years and finally in March I had a breakthrough with it, I managed to get an appointment with a consultant who told me that I’d torn the cartilage in my right knee and the best course of action was surgery, within a week of that appointment I had an MRI scan to confirm the consultant’s diagnosis. I then had two choices – go on the NHS waiting list (6-8 months wait) or pay for the operation myself (Less than a month’s wait).
Having looked at my financial situation/credit score, I decided to self-pay by putting it on my credit card and suck up the extra expense each month until that credit card is paid off!! I personally don’t think you can put a price on health and for over 2 years I’ve not really been able to exercise consistently as my knee has been too painful. Not exercising has been really challenging for me over the past couple of years as it not only helps me manage my weight & health but mentally it gives me the breathing space I need to function well in life. Therefore, I was willing to make some other sacrifices to allow me to afford this surgery and hopefully back to exercising regularly.
As soon as I had made the decision to have the operation, a date was set ((Good) Friday 7th April) and it was full steam ahead to get things sorted/in place to allow me time after the operation to recover, many people offered to help me in my recovery (more on that next month).
One evening I went for a walk with a friend and she started telling me about positive intelligence, a process of way to train your brain to work with you (your sages) rather than against you (your saboteurs). Part of the process you fill out a questionnaire to work out which saboteurs have the most influence in your life. There are 10 saboteur, everyone has the judge saboteur but the two that I also scored high in were the Avoider and the Hyper-achiever (this didn’t come as a surprise) but now I was aware of these saboteurs I could use strategies to turn down their voices in my head. So I started to do the training for this and if I’m honest I failed miserably as I allowed my three saboteur to win. More about this in April though as I’m determined to change the way I do things in my life.
While this was all going on, I was still lecturing two days a week as well as running the business which is one of the reasons the above didn’t go as well as it could have but I also know that although I feel like I’m constantly chasing my tail and keep myself busy I know that I need to change as I am running on adrenaline most of the time and this isn’t a good way to live for long-term health. Living like this is now my comfort zone so I know it’s going to take a lot of effort and determination to change.
Another month ticked of the yearly calendar! 3 months down and 9 more to go!!
I’ve delayed writing February’s blog post as I know I will find it emotional, but here goes!!
The month started with another physio session on my knee, when I say physio session, no hands-on physical physio was done – it was mainly me saying that despite resting it and doing the exercise given to me the previous session, it is no better which meant the physio referred me back to my GP for further investigation! This was gutting as I’ve hardly done any exercise for the last 6 months and I’m getting quite frustrated with the situation as well as being in constant pain, hopefully, I will get a definitive diagnosis soon!
The above hasn’t been helped as my sleep has been disturbed for quite a few months due to Sophiecat, in the last 6-8 months she was noticeably ageing before my eyes and getting distressed at night, waking me up numerous times in the night for comfort.
Eventually, I hit a wall of tiredness and made the decision to take her to the vet. I’d been putting this off for months knowing that it might be a one-way trip for her and I kind of wanted to prepare myself for the possible outcome of the trip.
I had warned the vets that it might be a one-way trip so they were prepared for us when we arrived and we were taken straight into the consulting room, Sophiecat simply walked out of the carrier and laid down on the table and at that point, I knew I had to make the heartbreaking decision to say the final goodnight to her there and then. So I kissed her head and let the vet take her away. That was the 20th February!
I drove home in tears, the house just didn’t feel the same without her, She had been part of my life for over 14 years so she had a great life with me and she brought me so much happiness and companionship.
The rest of the month was a bit of a blur as I kept myself busy to ensure I held it together to keep functioning at a certain level, life goes on…
I know it was the right decision to make but it still hurts like hell.
The first month of 2023 is done & dusted, despite wanting to make changes in my life for 2023, these never materialised for one reason or another but one big reason is that I’m a professional avoider, more on that later!
The month started full throttle as I began my new role at the uni which is full-on and challenging but I am enjoying it. After the first week, I headed to Scotland for a few days for some R&R which turned out not to be as relaxing as I had hoped! Mainly because I was behind with some of my marking for uni so this played on my mind for most of the trip. Although spending time with my friend and visiting some beautiful places did give my brain some respite.
During the drive to and from Scotland, I had plenty of time to think about my life and felt sure that in the coming days and weeks, I would start to make some of the changes I desired in my life, however, as soon as I got home I got “busy” again.
Clearing out the clutter or giving myself time to breathe means that I have to address the feelings/emotions that I avoid by staying busy and convincing myself that I need to work to keep my head above water financially. That might have been true in the past, however, things are a little easier now with my uni role.
The thing is that for a long time, I’ve just been surviving, putting a brave face on, and getting on with life & I guess that is now my comfort zone, changing is going to be hard, messy and uncomfortable but as much as I want to change, your comfort zone is safe and secure.
Although, if I’m honest, I’m sick of this life, sick of working all hours when I don’t have to just to avoid addressing feeling lonely and an unlovable weirdo! This is hard to admit not just to whoever reads this but to myself, as I type this I have tears streaming down my face as in January I felt enough was enough! Things need to change!!
Change is hard though and I know that I’m stuck in my ways so I have looked for people who can help me and I realised and admitted that I can’t do this on my own I need help and support.
So here’s to a different life by the end of 2023, I know that seems a long time off but also know that there is a lot of work to be done so I just have to remember that small steps each day will get you a long way from where you started if you are consistent in your actions…
Lincolnshiregirl 