December 2023 – Time to breathe

The first half of December was counting down the days until I could have some time off as I had been for most of November!

During this time I also applied for a new role at the university for a seconded position to replace a colleague who had recently moved to a different role within the university. This is the first time in nearly 14 years that I’ve had a job interview and to say I was nervous is a massive understatement, although the application was successful, I don’t want another job interview in my life!!

Due to having to use up some annual leave, I finished working at the uni Mid-December which meant I had roughly 3 weeks off, more time than I’ve ever had off in a very long time. Well, I had time off from the uni role, however, I continued to do Firecracker work up until the 23rd December.

I had in my head that I was going to use this time to de-clutter my house, I’ve lived in my house for 15 years and every cupboard, drawer, nook and cranny is full of stuff and quite frankly I’m sick of seeing most of it, it’s funny how I accumulate stuff and before I know it, my house is full of clutter.

Over the festive period, I did have some quiet days at home and did make a start on the de-cluttering but in reality, I was simply shattered so had no motivation or energy to do what I set out to do and I’m ok with that. I know that in most areas of my life, I’m really hard on myself but I’m learning not to berate myself for not doing some of the things I say I’m going to do.

I did, however, spend quality time with my friends which was so lovely, I do my best to stay in touch with my close friends but with all our lives being quite busy we don’t get to spend as much time together as would be desired!

As the year drew to a close, my thoughts like most people’s turn to the year that is and the one that’s about to start. I’m not one for making resolutions but I do have a word of the year, this year’s word was authentic – and if I’m honest I am not sure how authentic I’ve been this year, I got busy living/hustling/surviving to actually do some of the things I thought I might that would be true to who I am, now I don’t mean I’ve been false but I know what my true essence is and what my life purpose is and I don’t feel like I have been living it so the idea was 2022 was the year when I started to, I have made some progress toward its but only a few baby steps!

Thinking about the coming year 2023, the word of the year wasn’t forthcoming, usually, at some point in November and December the word for the following year comes into my consciousness be this just signs from the universe or something in a goal I want to achieve. Anyway, a good friend of mine bought me a 2023 word goddess reading for Christmas ADITI – Goddess of Sweet Spaciousness!

“It’s a transformative experience to simply pause instead of immediately fill up the space. By waiting, we begin to connect with fundamental restlessness as well as fundamental spaciousness.”
~ Pema Chodron

To link to this my words for 2023 are: SPACE, EXPANSION, CREATIVITY, ALLOWING, FREEDOM, EASE

It all felt a little coincidental that I was also thinking about de-cluttering the house to allow for more space, the universe is amazing isn’t it? So these are the words I’m going to live by for 2023!!

So 2023, lets see what you have to offer… Until next time, stay safe, big love R xx

November 2022 – Friendship Matters

November seemed to go by in a blur of working and sleeping. Not much to say about this month as it’s been all about getting my head down and working!

I’m not one for wishing days away, however halfway through the month, I started counting down the days until I could rest, not just the weekend (as been working these too) but the festive break when I could have some proper days off. I’m not great at resting/relaxing but know that I need to learn to.

I love both the work I do at the uni and my business so don’t ever begrudge working, but working 60 hours plus a week starts to take its toll eventually. And hard work has paid off, more of that in December’s post.

The main saving grace was my friends who kept me going, this year some friendships have fallen by the wayside, others have deepened and new friendships have formed.

I’ll always be grateful for my friends who accept me for who I am, lift me up when I am down and keep me going when I just want to stop and give up.

Although, I know that next year I need to find a better way of working as constant hustle isn’t doing me any good!!

In terms of exercise, that has been nonexistent for the while now, I’ve hurt my knee and despite rest, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better! Another thing to address in 2023.

October 2022 – Trusting Your Gut

October, where do I start?!!

Like all the other months of the year, it seemed to whizz by in a blink of an eye, probably doesn’t help that from around the 10th October I’ve been lecturing full time at the Uni as well as continuing to run Firecracker, 60 hour weeks are the norm at the moment, this is only temporary until the end of the academic semester in February 2022 but has taken a bit of getting used to, as much as I like the financial security that being full time gives me, my heart is still very much with Firecracker & being my own boss. I give my lecturing role everything I’ve got, however, I am looking forward to having more time next year to dedicate to Firecracker and other plans I have brewing in my mind.

Over the past few months, I have been in discussions with an organisation about an opportunity that I have been dreaming about for years, in fact ever since I started Firecracker, I think I might have mentioned something about this in my post about August 2022. Recently the discussions had moved on a bit and an offer was on the table, seeing this writing in black and white was a moment of realisation for me!

I was totally flattered by the opportunity that was being presented, over the past 11 years I’ve worked tirelessly to build my business, brand and professional reputation. I’ve invested a fair bit of money but also a huge amount of blood, sweat and tears. I give my whole self in everything I do, with no half-measures for me and finally, someone wanted a piece of this too. My ego was totally in its element, however, when I saw the value the organisation had put on this opportunity my heart sank, now I know I’ve spoken about self-love before & how I struggle with seeing the success I’ve had over the years and my true value in what I do as a profession but even I recognised that what I’ve built up over the years was worth more than they had put on it, some negotiation followed which gave me more confidence about going ahead with the opportunity.

But then, I had a real niggle in my belly about it, something just didn’t feel right! My head was kind of saying yes, yes, yes but my gut was screaming no, no no. This internal turmoil went on for a week or so and then I decided to follow my gut and turn the opportunity down.

I might live to regret this decision but right now I do feel it was the right thing to do, I’ve always been a believer in following my gut, as in the past it has guided me well so I have no reason not to trust it – also from my nutrition knowledge I know that your gut is your second brain & always tell people to listen to it so I’m just practising what I preach.

Once I made this decision, some weight had been lifted off my shoulders and then my mind was well what next… you’ll have to wait until next year to hear my what next as I’m just not quite yet ready to share it publically but it is very exciting and kind of sits with what my word of the year has been for 2022 – “Authenticity”, and as this year draws to a close my mind does start thinking about next years word (this is yet to be decided, but hope it might come to me in the coming weeks).

Anyway, back to October’s review. With working long hours, exercise has been on the back burner, I have been a few times but I’ve just lost my mojo for it yet again, this has a little something to do with a knee injury that doesn’t seem to be getting better despite rest and physio and by the end of the month I’d finally managed to get a referral to a specialist to help sort it out, my first appointment was in November so will let you know how I got on with this next month. This has also hampered my marathon training, which I should have started at the beginning of October and I have a sinking feeling that I won’t be able to take part if my knee doesn’t show any improvement.

The last two months of the year… bring them on!!

September 2022 – Emotional Rollercoaster

Another month down and I don’t really know where this month has gone if I’m honest! As I type this I’m looking back at my calendar pages of what I did last month and some of the things feel like a lifetime ago.

I got to spend time with friends who are near and far geographically which was amazing to spend time with people who love & accept me for who I am, this might sound like a strange thing to say but there have been occasions when I’ve spent time with people & walked away not feeling that great about myself, I now choose who I spend my time with wiseley, I guess that comes with maturity & wisdom.

I felt I was on an emotional rollercoaster for most of the month, feeling things deeply and having to carry on with everyday life despite feeling a bit lost and emotional, over the years I’ve developed a talent for hiding how I’m feeling by putting on a metaphorical mask when I’m in public and cracking on with the task at hand, as I’ve said before I keep myself busy so I don’t have to deal with some of the emotions I feel.

There were a few things playing on my mind in September, some big decisions to make and only I could make them, friends were there to listen to my thoughts but like a lot of things I was the one who had to make the final decision, this often weighed heavy on my shoulders as I question whether I am doing the right thing or not, I second guessed myself a far bit.

Despite now working a few days a week at the uni, I do spend a lot of time on my own, sometimes this is by choice, sometimes it’s not and that’s hard to deal with and again I question everything about who I am, I know I’m really hard on myself most if not all of the time! I just never feel like I live up to expectations.

I made decision about my conference which was tough especially later the same day I made the announcement an opportunity I was offered was taken away from me without notice/warning & it totally floored me, this resulted in lots of tears and wondering what I do to deserve things like this happening to me! But like every other time I’ve been knocked down by something I pick myself up and go again, not a lot keeps me down for long, I may be battered & bruised but you just have to keep going…

Exercising has been hit and miss as well this month, my knee is still causing me issues which means I can’t train at the intensity I would like causing more tears and frustrations, I know this is only a phase and that soon enough it will be better (fingers crossed) as time is ticking on and the marathon training needs to start…

This last month I’ve come to realise that it’s ok to be broken at times and like the above says I think I need to learn to surf & ride them.

August 2022 – Breathing Space

At the beginning of August had a holiday, which might not sound much to some but it is the first holiday I’ve had in about seven years, it is not because I don’t mind holidays, I do, it’s just circumstances that have prevented me from going away.

I went to the north coast of Scotland for a few days, while I was there I spent a lot of time thinking, contemplating my life and some decisions I needed to make. There were plenty of tears – not just of sadness but happiness too. I got to see a friend who lives up there & try out my new Stand-Up Paddleboard.

One particular day when I went to visit an RSBP nature reserve and found that I was the only person there, I had a quick look around the visitors centre before heading out to the viewpoint and as I did the heavens opened – thankfully when I left the car I could see the rain in the distance so put my coat on just in case it came my way, which it did and in that moment as the rain poured down on me and I was getting soaking wet, despite my waterproof coat as the rain was just running off it onto my trousers I burst into tears (this was a mixture of happy and sad tears)!

Sadness in the fact that I was there on my own and would have loved to share the experience with someone else and happiness as in that moment I felt completely free and thankful for being alive & able to do the things I want to do as well as ridiculous-ness of me in the middle of nowhere in the rain.

The holiday was over all too quickly and soon forgotten as I dived straight back into work although a small piece of my heart stayed there as I fell in love with the place and hope to go back as soon as I can, although I need to look at different options to get there as the 10+ hour drive is extremely tiring, especially doing it on your own.

During the time away I said to myself that I need to give myself more breathing space – this has proved harder to do, I’m on the go from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed! There are many reasons why I do this, some are practical reasons such as earning a living, maintaining a social life and staying fit and healthy but others are to avoid/ignore the chatter from my brain gremlins/my ego who remind me of all the negative things in my life – most of us have limiting beliefs or stories that we tell ourselves that aren’t true which impact how we see ourselves or stops us from doing things we want to do. I acknowledge these & have regular therapy sessions to help me explore these as well as forcing me to stop & sit with my emotions (more on this in September’s post).

I know that I do need to STOP regularly just to give myself time to breathe as this will benefit me in the long run, despite how hard it feels in that moment.

Until next time, stay well xx

July 2022 – Limbo & Overwhelm

For many years I’ve always found July a tough month, it’s my birthday month which hasn’t always been happy for me. However, this year I was determined to do things differently so that I could change my birthday experiences.

It’s taken me a while to write this month’s blog post mainly as there isn’t that much to say about July 2022 as I was mostly just counting down the days until the end of the month, I’m not one for wishing my life away but I was tired and knew that I had some holiday planned for August so was looking forward to a break.

The days and weeks blurred together as I just made it through each day until my birthday & my holidays as well as feeling overwhelmed by life. Generally, I am juggling quite a few things most days (running a business, working part-time, running a house, staying fit & healthy as well as maintaining relationships) in the most part I handle this well, but when I get run down it all feels too much. There are so many things I want to do in my life & I often overestimate how much I can actually do in a day.

At the beginning of August, I announced publically that I was going to run my conference again this year and immediately I had reservations wondering why I put myself through the stress of event management – I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again and it will be as good if not better than the one I ran in 2019, but I doubt myself 100s of times a day.

I’ve also got another side-hustle going on that I started this year, can’t say too much right now but that also is consuming my headspace too.

Then in a blink of an eye, it’s the final weekend of July & my birthday. This year I bought some tickets to the rugby sevens at The Commonwealth Games, we stayed in a hotel close the venue on the Friday night, had a lovely meal that evening and an early night as we had to be at the venue by 7.30am for a 9am session start. It was a great day, once the sport was over we went into Coventry city centre for a few drinks & ended the day with a gorgeous Thai meal. I felt so much love from my friends & family with my phone buzzing all day with birthday messages – I always find this hard as don’t believe I deserve this much love & makes me quite emotional.

When I got home on Sunday, I sat and opened my presents & cards which was lovely and so starts my 46th year around the sun!

Monday 1st August 2022

A year after I started this blog, I’m not really sure how I’m feeling! I’ve found it really cathartic to record my daily musings but am disappointed that what I set out to do all those days ago I haven’t really done. I do feel like I have moved forward in some areas of my life but in others I’ve gone backwards…

Life just seems to get in the way or is that just an excuse I use not to do the work?!?

Anyway, I had a fabulous birthday watching rugby 7s at The commonwealth games, afterwards, we had a cocktail & a delicious Thai meal & back to the hotel for about 8pm!

The car saga continues, RAC came out yesterday before we headed home, found the engine fault & cleared it. Got home without incident. Rang the garage this morning to ask for advice, they advised me to go on my holiday & to book it in when I got back. However, I then went out in it to fill the car with fuel & get some food for the journey, the car had 2 engine malfunctions & I lost the ability to accelerate fast, rang the garage again & they told me to bring it in & gave me a loan car to take to Scotland!

I was planning on using today to pack my case & tidy the house a bit but I fell asleep on the sofa for most of the afternoon.

I’ll do my packing in the morning & the house can wait! I will take it steady on the 550-mile drive and stop loads. This will be the first holiday I’ve had in about 7-8 years & looking forward to just relaxing, I know I will struggle to turn my head off but at least it will be a change of scenery at least. Can’t wait to see my friend and do some cold water swimming and Stand Up Paddleboarding!!

Friday 29th July 2022

Post 364…

Well I made it though the year, not how I expected but made it thorough nonetheless.

I’m lying here in bed with my friend in a hotel after a lovely meal & catch up and now we are ready for sleep as we’ve got an early start in the morning.

Been at the uni today & had a fab staff celebration to finish off the academic year.

The car saga continues as got a mile from the hotel and the engine malfunction light came on, the garage will get a slightly heated phone call in the morning.

So as the sunsets on my final day as a 44 year old who knows what the future holds but I’m excited to see.

Thursday 28th July 2022

The day panned out much the same as yesterday as I attended 2 more graduation ceremonies, a little more emotional today as I witnessed some of the students I lectured graduate! It was so lovely to see them in their gowns & caps.

Well, I’ve done it! I’ve entered the marathon I mentioned a few days/weeks back! Can’t actually remember, I was on the waiting list for the event, I was given early access to enter it & as I didn’t want to miss out, I entered it as soon as I could.

Although, I have got a bit of time before I start training! I’ve worked out a plan to start at 1 mile in training week one, 2 miles in week 2 and so forth up until 24 miles, a week off & then the event! I will also continue doing CrossFit workouts & open water swimming when I can so all in all I should be fit enough to do it by the time the day arrives.

I’ve spent the evening watching the opening ceremony of The Commonwealth Games, hence the lateness of this post, I love watching sport in general but relish these massive global events & I am in awe of the sporting ability, I can’t wait to see it live on Saturday when a friend & I will watch the Rugby Sevens – my birthday present to myself!

My bed is definitely calling me now so see ya tomorrow.

Wednesday 27th July 2022

Skipped the gym this morning as felt so tired from my late night watching the Women’s Euro football.

Today I experienced a graduation for the first time from an academic point of view rather than as a graduating student (although I’ve only done this once anyway) & I did find it quite emotional if I’m honest, as I ordered robes it meant that I was part of the formal procession and sat on a platform during the service. As I live in a Cathedral city, our students get to graduate in the Cathedral & what a magnificent building to celebrate in.

This was my view from the platform! Felt a little bad for taking a picture but wanted to catch the day in some way shape or form.

I found it all a little emotional & overwhelming as I still have to pinch myself that I’m a university lecturer & get to be part of these events.

I was supposed to swim this evening too but felt pretty ropey from being dehydrated & lack of sleep, my head was also pounding, came straight home & sat in a darkened room for a bit until the ibuprofen kicked in.

Just a couple more days at the uni & then I’ve got two weeks of annual leave which will be nice – the main thing I’m actually looking forward to is being away & not being woken up at 4am by Sophiecat, I love her dearly but this is now taking a toll on me & my ability to function properly during the day.