Lincolnshiregirl

May 2020 – Stop and stare

Another month has gone by and it’s been quite a transformative month for me and my mindset.

Some of the motivation I get from doing things for others is that I don’t want any of my friends and loved ones to feel like I do sometimes. So just after lockdown started I decided that I was going to post things to people as and when they came to mind over the days/weeks/months of lockdown, I’ve done this for what I think is a selfish reason as I get lots of joy from making others smile & feel loved/cared for.

Eighteen years ago this month I left my job at Unilever and jumped into the fitness sector. Some friends and family thought I was mad giving up a good stable job for what they saw as a more volatile industry. There have been many times in my life where I’ve made quite large changes in my life and these have come about as something in my gut is telling me that the path I’m on doesn’t feel right and that I need to change, this was one of those times, I remember after a pretty disappointing performance review with my line manager being in the toilets crying not really knowing what I was doing so wrong when a friend suggested that I leave and follow my passion into the fitness industry and that was it, the decision made. Prior to this review, I’d been busy spending my weekends studying to be a personal trainer (I was doing this purely for myself to gain more knowledge when I started the course I had no intentions of using it as a career) and by the time the review happened, I’d done enough of my training to be able to get a job as a fitness instructor which is what I did. I’ve changed path/career/location a couple more times over the years which all have come from my gut telling me things aren’t right you are on the wrong path, you should change and I’ve done it with very little thought or reflection! This has taken me on the colourful path we call life! However, at the moment I feel like I’m stumbling a little on my path and finding it hard to hear/feel what my gut is saying!!

So I’ve made time this month to reflect on my life and my situation as I’m sure you and a lot of other people have too and what I’ve come to realise that I’m very good at reading self-help/personal development books, however, I never do any of the practices or actions that they suggest and then I wonder why things never change. This has started to change…

With this reflection also has brought some past experiences that have been emotionally painful and there have been many tears, this might seem like a weird thing to say but this releasing of emotion has helped me to feel lighter (metaphorically) and remove the power and hold they’ve had on me over the years which have caused me to have mental blocks around certain areas of my life. In doing so I’ve used this ancient Hawaiian prayer to forgive and release the past to create a new future. (more info here).

I have found this process very healing as I’ve been able to forgive myself and many other people and now few at peace with some of the challenges I’ve faced over the years.

This is a very similar story for my business, so having had a number of conversations with lots of different people I know that I need to change the narrative I use for my business, you might not notice this publicly as it’s the language I use in my head and the way I describe/frame it to myself which ultimately gets projected out into the world. We are a reflection of our inner selves!

I’ve had some lightbulb moments & some real clarity of thought about my path and life I’m living which over the coming months I will share with you.

Until then, stay safe and well.

Big Love R xx

April 2020 – New way of living

Like I said last month I have been touched by the contact friends and family have made to check-in to see if I’m okay. I’ve also struggled with it too. I’m used to a fairly quiet life and found the constant noise of social media too much when there are so many ways to speak to people now on different platforms and mediums I found it quite stressful.

As I do most Easters I decided to have a social media free weekend, my phone on aeroplane mode & just let the days flow naturally. The weekend seemed to fly by without me really noticing, I took time to read, just sit and be & of course cook myself nice food and take the time to enjoy it. I caught up on some television programmes I’d been meaning to watch for weeks too.

If I’m honest it’s not a new way of living for me, I’ve been distancing myself for years!! Not sure if this has been a conscious decision, however, having limited funds I have to be careful what I do, which leads me to feel like the dullest person in the world as I don’t do much or go places I really don’t have much to talk about other than my challenges and I don’t think this makes me a good person to be around so I’ve avoided social events, distanced myself from social circles as think who would be interested in talking to me!!

I also know that I’m safe at home, I’m not talking about the virus but more from the point of view that if I’m at home I’m not being judged or criticised, in reality, the fact is it’s me who is doing the judging and criticising of myself, I’ve always been my hardest critic and even with lots of work with a therapist over the years this side of me still rears its head quite frequently especially at the moment.

As I’ve said before I feel a little bit lost, I feel like I’m a shadow of who I really am at the moment (another reason for socially distancing myself). I’ve kind of lost my way and lost my sparkle. So this month I have been making the effort to find my sparkle again, this has meant doing work on myself, work that I’ve avoided for years and if you’ve done any of this kind of work yourself you will know it’s painful and emotionally tough, however, I also know that doing the work helps move you forward. Looking back at your past, un-picking it and then putting yourself back together a stronger more knowing person is the ultimate goal. Like everyone else, I have demons that need vanquishing for me to move on and now with more time on my hands than I would like, there aren’t any good enough excuses not to do it. I am determined to come out of this period a different person to who I was when it all started.

Exercise has been a bit hit and miss, for some of April I had the rowing machine which gave me something different to do, I took it back during the month as requested so have been left with my dumbbells and doing mainly bodyweight exercises and running which is just as challenging as using cardio kit, late in April my gym started a challenge where 7 workouts would be posted over seven days, I saw it and thought yep I’m up for that, then saw that these workouts needed to be videoed as proof that you did them. I think in the time I’ve only videoed myself once or twice as it’s just something I don’t want to do and doing these videos recently has really hit home the need to carry on exercising and looking after my health. I watched the first video back and it made me cry at the way I looked and like I said above I know I’m hard on myself but my god it’s a kick up the arse I needed to make sure that my excuses for not bettering myself in all areas of my life are not bigger than my goals which I think they have been in the past but it stops right now.

As we move into May still in lockdown I’m planning on making May the month where great progress is made on both myself and my future whatever that is as that’s still up in the air so until next time, stay safe and stay well.

R xx

March 2020 – Strange Times

At the start of the month, the feeling of optimism was slowly rising within me, having asked for help a few people got in touch to offer me support.

Nothing really had changed apart from my view of my situation and how I would get through it.

The car situation had been sorted which was a massive weight off my mind and meant that I could start to do more of the things I love. My weekly trips to the lake for a swim on a Sunday resumed and I even went to another venue for a swim which was cold but exhilarating. However, this was short-lived!!

During the month I had the pleasure of judging at The British Pie Awards which is always a fun thing to do, not only do you get to eat lots of delicious pies but also it is a great networking event catching up with old contacts and meeting new people too.

Then…. as I was feeling more able to deal with the challenges I was facing and finding ways to move forward, the world around me/us changed forever.

I tend to try and watch one of the main news programmes every day as I like to know what’s going on and as this pandemic reached our shores my mind and thoughts went into overdrive as I am sure other people’s did too.

The company I was working for we were having daily discussions about the impact of this deadly disease on the business and as they supply the hospitality sector it soon became clear that they would have to totally scale back the business to ride out this storm, which included letting me go.

As the reality of the situation hit home my thoughts turned to friends and family. I live on my own, work for myself and enjoy my own company so I knew the “lockdown” itself wouldn’t cause me too much stress, I’m privileged to have a garden (albeit a very overgrown one), food in my fridge/cupboards and more unread books than I’ll ever need. My Crossfit box kindly loaned out all the equipment to the members while it is closed and I bagged myself a rower (my favourite piece of kit) and I already had some dumbbells so that was the exercise sorted. However, I knew others wouldn’t be so comfortable with this enforced action so I made a plan to help them.

One of the things that would get me through this was cooking not only for myself but also the ability to share my love and knowledge with others through my social media channels, the feedback for this has been great and given me a connection with the outside world.The main thing that sent me spiralling was the financial side of things as like many others this would be the trickiest thing to navigate and so I tuned into the daily news press conferences to find out how I might be supported. I’ve taken some action to help this by asking for payment holidays etc and presently I continuing to figure out a way through this.

The end of the month was a real rollercoaster with my emotions being all over the place, there has been tears, panic and a scared sense of the unknown.

However, there has bee a sense of calm too! I have been touched by the love I’ve been shown with many people checking in on me to make sure I am ok.

So as the month drew to an end I simply took each day as it came and gave thanks that for now, I, my family and friends were safe and well…

Homemade Pesto

I love making pesto at home, it is so quick and easy to do and much more flavoursome than shop-bought product. Like I’ve said before the best thing about making these ingredients at home is that you can adjust them to your tastes so they are perfect for you and your family.

Ingredients:

2 x 30g packs Fresh Basil (You end up using about 55g as you want to cut off the stalks)
150ml Good Quality Oil (I use either Extra Virgin Olive Oil or Cold Pressed Rapeseed Oil)
50g Pinenuts
60g Parmesan
1/2 Lemon – Zest & Just
1 Clove Garlic

Method:

In a dry pan, toast the pinenuts on a gentle heat until they are golden brown, be patient with this as they can go from golden brown to burnt very quickly, I tend to keep moving them around in the pan, once at the desired colour, remove from pan and allow to cool a little.
Trim the stalks of the basil a little, I usually cut them just above the rubber band which is holding them together.
In a small blender add all the ingredients and blend until you get your desired texture.
Add in more lemon juice to taste and season with salt and pepper.

This will keep in the fridge for about 3-4 days, to keep longer you can either cover the pesto in oil as this also acts as a preservative, this will keep in your fridge for about 7 days or you can pour into an ice cube tray and freeze, once frozen release from the tray and put into a freezer bag until you want to use them.

If you don’t have any pinenuts, cashew nuts work well, if you want to make it vegan you can replace the parmesan with some nutritional yeast to give you the cheese flavour or add a bit of umami to again give the savoury flavour

Per 100g – High in Vitamin E
Per 100g – A Source of Vitamin B12
Per 100g – A Source of Zinc

Cider Apple Pulled Pork

Here’s my recipe for pulled pork, the cider works well as the cooking liquor and the apple and onion add in some sweetness.

Ingredients:

1.5kg Pork shoulder joint
Bottle of cider
1 Bramley apple
1 Onion
Knorr concentrated chicken stock/1 stockpot/1stock cube
A few sprigs of fresh thyme
1 tbsp oil (I used rapeseed but any cooking oil is fine)

Method:

Peel and chop onion roughly
Peel and chop apple
If you are able to brown off the meat slightly to add to the flavour
Cook the pork for the recommended time – I’ve got an electric pressure cooker and put it on for the longest time possible – 2 hours, in a slow cooker this might be 4-6 hours, the longer the better really as the meat becomes more tender the longer it’s cooked.
Once the meat is cooked, remove from the cooking liquor

Pour the cooking liquor into a pan and gently heat to reduce the quantity of liquid
While the liquid is reducing, remove the skin and fat from the pork
Pull the meat apart while it’s still hot, it should easily fall apart, you can use two folks for this but I tend to use my fingers as it means I can remove any fat or sinew that I don’t want.

Once most of the liquid has evaporated, add in the pulled meat and combine well
Keep on the heat to get rid of any remaining liquid and to heat the meat through.

Serve in a toasted brioche bun with cheese, fries/wedges, veggies and/or coleslaw

Per 100g – High in Thiamin
Per 100g – A Source of Vitamin B6
Per 100g – A Source of Zinc
High in Protein

Seeded Apple Coleslaw

Here is my recipe for homemade coleslaw, I personally don’t like ones made with all mayo, so I do 50/50 mayo and creme fraiche I find this makes it a bit lighter, I also add in apple and seeds to give some extra flavour and crunch.

Ingredients:

1/2 Red cabbage
3 Carrot
1 Onion
1 Dessert apple
4 tbsp Mayonaise
4 tbsp Creme fraiche
100g Mixed seeds
Salt & Pepper to taste

Method:

Grate the carrot and apple on the large grate
Cut up the red cabbage to a similar size to the grated carrot
Finely chop onion

Add into a bowl
Add in the mayo, creme fraiche & seeds
Combine all the ingredients until well mixed, season to take

Store in an airtight container in the fridge for 3-4 days, give it a good mix each time you use it as some liquid will separate out, there is nothing wrong with this happening.

Per 100g – A Source of Vitamin C
Per 100g – A Source of Fibre

February 2020 – Rock Bottom

This month has been truly rubbish!!

At times I’ve felt completely hopeless and helpless. In fact, I felt like I’d hit rock bottom, this caused lots of tears, many sleepless nights and feeling like a complete failure.

Getting a job I’ve found is actually not that easy, applications I’ve submitted for jobs where I thought I had a strong chance of getting an interview came back as eliminated at the application stage which has really knocked my confidence.

If I’m honest, I’ve not applied for that many jobs as I really not sure what job I want, ideally, it would be in workplace health and wellbeing, however, those kinds of jobs don’t seem to be available locally to me so in the last couple of weeks I’ve been spreading the net wider. I don’t particularly want to move from Lincolnshire as it’s the place I’ve called home for over thirteen years and feel very settled here, but right now I’m not really live a life so if moving to another part of the UK allows me to live a little then who knows where that might lead me.

When people have asked me – what kind of job am I looking for? I tell them I haven’t got a clue, even a recruitment consult said I had an eclectic range of skills.

I know that getting a job would give me financial security but a little bit of me still sees the opportunity with the business, however being all consumed by my worries the business has taken a back seat, as just getting through each day has been hard.

With feeling very low and not sure which way to go I did something I don’t do enough of and I reach out and asked for help, in doing so I had to swallow my pride and admit that I didn’t have all the answers. I’ve avoided this in the past as I’m embarrassed by the situation I’ve got myself in.

As the saying goes “A problem shared is a problem halved” is very true as I do feel the burden I’m carrying is lighter from sharing with others what I’m going through at the moment. As well as speaking to others makes you realise you are not the only person struggling so feel less alone.

On the exercise front, this has been rubbish too!! My car (one thing that has caused me grief this month) is on its last legs and I don’t feel very safe driving it, the garage I use have assured me it’s safe to drive but I’ve just lost confidence in it so only been driving when it’s been absolutely necessary, thankfully I’ve now sorted out getting a newer car so will be back at Crossfit Box in March. This has also made me a bit of a recluse, I don’t have a problem with that, I love being at home and spending time on my own (I never feel that alone as I know I can always talk to friends and family through apps and social media) but know that it’s not always that good for me.

As the month came to an end my mood started to lift and I felt like the darkness was moving away, I’ve been focusing on what I can do each day to keep me moving forward while my future feels complete uncertain I know that if I focus on positive actions and mindset then this will carry me through, this includes making time for reflection and meditation.

So here’s to that strong foundation and move onwards and upwards.

R xx

January 2020 – So many possibilities

I’m always a little apprehensive about the start of a new year and this year it’s a new decade too. I guess it’s a mixture of the excitement of what the year might bring but also the overwhelming feeling of fear for the next twelve months and not repeating behaviours that haven’t serve me well in the past.

This is especially true after the decision I made in Nov/Dec last year.

Deciding to focus on the positives and be mindful of just doing what I can each day to move me forward rather than seeing the long rest of the year.

I made a start in applying for roles and got into a routine of working for three days a week with a small food company and all was going swimmingly for the most part!

However, during the month I did feel a little directionless as there were a few business opportunities that came my way which again made me question my decision and felt conflicted about how to use my time effectively.

(sorry for the swearing)

I don’t tend to make new years resolutions as often I feel they are a knee jerk reaction to the glutenous festive period, I do, however, pick a word to live by and this year I’ve chosen THRIVE something I don’t feel like I’ve done for a long while.

I also made a promise to myself that I was going to put myself and my wellbeing at the centre of everything I do and not to let other activities affect this. For me, this is mainly exercise be it swimming or a Crossfit workout and for Jan I did really well, out of the 31 days I managed 30 days of doing 30 minutes of exercise, this had a massive impact on both my mental and physical wellbeing which helped to bounce back when I was having a low day or moment.

My outdoor swimming adventures continue and so far have swum in water of as cold as 5.7oC which I kind of look forward to each Sunday, as it’s a time when I’m incredibly mindful and present in the moment and my happy place, come rain or frost I’m there.

January seem to be over in a flash for me and so onto another month and taking those small steps forward is the name of the game!!Until next time, keep moving forward…

December – Adjusting, reflecting and looking forward

Firstly, just wanted to say thank you to all the people who contacted me after last month’s post was published to offer me support, share their own stories and much more.

The job hunt begins which is quite a scary prospects for many reasons, I’ve not applied for a job for over 13 years so writing cover letters and filling out application forms are all a bit alien to me, working out what kind of job I want has also proven quite hard, I know what I love to do and the skills I have so it’s working out how I can make these fit with advertised roles.

One of the hardest things I’ve found is realising that I’ve actually achieved quite a lot of good things in the past few years and have a plethora of skills and expertise. I’ve got so used to see my failings that I’ve become blind to my successes! This has lead to quite a fair bit of reflections and reviewing the last few years in a very objective way to tease out skills and experience I can apply to job descriptions and criteria.

Even now I know that looking for full-time employment is the best thing for me right now I’ve still got a little bit of “what if’s” that some of the opportunities that the business created come to fruition and then I’m not able to fulfil these, over the last month a few things have come up that have made me questions my decision and with the help of friends seen that I can’t be distracted from the task at hand.

Over the last few months, I’ve been doing some consultancy work for a food business which has made me realised that working for someone else and within a team is really quite nice, being part of something with a collective goal is exciting so now I’m visualising being part of a team who can achieve some amazing team. At the end of the year, this company offered me a part-time role which I’ve now accepted, I’ve been totally upfront with them about my situation and they understand the value the contribution I can bring to their business in the short term.

In the past, I’ve used some goal setting workbooks to help me achieve things throughout a year and help me to remain focused on goals and aspirations, last year (2019) I didn’t use them but as I see 2020 as being slightly different I decided to go back to them. In this series, you can buy a life and business book and I resisted buying the business one even if it was through teary eyes knowing I am doing the right thing.

These books have served me well so over the years, over the festive period I set aside time to start filling it out, it is divided into many different sections such as career, finances, community, self, family, environment.

This past year has taught me so many things about myself and others and although I’ve finished it in a bit of a sucky place of uncertainty I’m glad I made it through with many happy memories and some fantastic friendships.

Here’s to whatever 2020 has install for us.

November – Tough Decision

So this month as with every other month this year it would seem that it whizzed by and before I knew it, it was December.

I have to admit that I’ve run through what to write in this blog 10s of times in the last few days as writing down stuff really brings it home sometimes.

As you will know for several months I’ve had a dilemma about what my future might look like, this came to a head during November when a long-standing client was late at paying an invoice which created a whole of stress for me, many tears were shed and I realised that for quite a long time (I’m probably talking years) that as much as I love what I do when I’m doing it, all the other stuff that I need to do to get to do what I love to do is really wearing me down and that something has to give! Ultimately if I’m honest with myself I’m not very happy with my life, I really am just surviving, getting through each day but not really seeing any joy in it. I’m in survival mode.

I’m an eternal optimist and often those rose-tinted glasses are on and I see the possibilities and opportunities and not honest with myself about the state of my life and the way I’m living is having an effect on my health (both physical & mental), my relationships and so many more things.

Something has to change as I’m not willing to carry on as I am for any longer, with the year ending and not only a new one starting but also a new decade it’s time to make a tough decision and make some big changes.

I’ve decided to step away from the business (it will carry on in some form) and look for paid employment so that I can help more people with what I do from inside an organisation.

This decision has been so hard to make and even as I type this I have tears streaming down my face, I know it’s right decision for now as I need some financial stability to help me regain some normality in my life and just to start living again.

There I’ve said it…