October – A little help from friends

So here are again, another month completed!!

These months seem to come and go in a blink of an eye.

This past month like many before it has been quite a challenge as I’m determined to get through my current situation by learning lessons from the past and changing my behaviour & mindset to get a different outcome; and as we all know change is hard!!

So how am I doing this? Well, I’ve done a big thing for me and ask for help, seeking out new people to work with and challenge my thinking & putting the work in to action some of the things they suggest. As I’ve mentioned before this is something I struggle with, for a long time I’ve been it’s me against the world! However, recently I’ve realised that this mindset hasn’t necessarily helped me in the past as I’ve found that I become overwhelmed with what I’m dealing with and it’s broken me mentally.

Late in Sept, I met up with a friend and she recommended this book to me as when we were speaking I was saying that I wanted to change some of the internal dialogue that I have with myself but didn’t know how to do this.

Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr Joe Dispenza

Unusally for me, I’ve devoured this book as I’ve found it so interesting and makes perfect sense to me and using the techniques he shares to change my future and life.

I’m still wrestling with my head/heart dilemma, the truth is… (I’ve debated for a few days in my head, hence why this post is later than usual if I should be totally honest about stuff and I came to the conclusion that at the start of the year that these posts would be warts and all) so here goes …that business isn’t doing as well as I would like financially which means that I might have to make a very tough decision about very soon.

I’ve still got fire in my belly to do what I do but ultimately I need income to pay all the boring/dull adulting stuff like mortgage and bills to run a house.

If any of your are part of the business world you’ll know that when you go to networking events, people often ask “how’s business?” and the normal answer is – it’s great thanks (whether this is true or not!), well in October I decided to be honest with some trusted business associates about my situation with the hope that they might be able to help me.

One of the things I’ve struggled with over the last couple of year is people’s perception of me and the business and the reality of the how I feel about me and the business, a lot of the time this is misaligned and therefore I sometimes feel like I’m a fraud or being dishonest!!

Being honest about my situation has been really hard as it’s admitting to myself that things aren’t working out the way I would like but I’ve been taken aback at how much love I’ve been shown and how people genuinely want to help me succeed.

I’ve also spoken to lots of friends and leaned on them for emotional support which has been invaluable!!

I know I probably don’t do this enough, it’s baby steps isn’t it? And to be kind to myself as this month I feel like I’ve neglected friends as I’ve been so self-absorbed in my challenges that I’ve not given them as much energy as I would like.

Over the last month, I’ve also learnt to be grateful for the little things and try not to worry or catastrophise about things I can’t control and just do something each day that will get you closer to your goals or dream life. I’ve realised I have so many things to be grateful for but it gets easily forgotten when things become too much.

So all I can say is watch this space, not sure what the last two months of 2019 will hold for me…

Sept – Head/Heart Dilemma

Well, that’s another month done and can’t believe how quickly this year seems to have gone by.

With renewed energy and optimism Sept started well. On the 2nd Sept I started a challenge called challenge120 as I noticed that it marked 120 days until the end of the year and really wanted to commit to making some changes, the two main things I committed to myself daily was to do at least 30 minutes of activity each day and 10 minutes of meditation.

The exercise bit has gone well with me completing this target every day so far with a mixture of CrossFit, swimming (both pool & open water), intervals and walking. I’m really enjoying the motivation this has challenge has given me to make sure I fit this into my day, at times it’s hard but with a bit of will you can make it work.

The meditation target hasn’t gone so well!! I started off well and managed to do 10 days in a row (a record for me) and then I had a few manic days and just lost the momentum to do it. This is a lame excuse really as how could finding 10 minutes in my day to just sit and be still be so hard?!?

That internal dialogue I’ve been having for the last few months about my professional future rumbles on and now sits as a dilemma I need to face head-on and deal with. The struggle I have is that my heart/gut are saying one thing and my head is saying something else & I really don’t know what to do for the best.

I had a stark reminder that life is too short this month with a few very close friends telling me that they’ve not seen me this sad/unhappy for a very long time and I’m a shadow of my former self. Deep down I know this to be true but wasn’t willing to admit to myself, hearing those words from worried friends is hard to take as it breaks my heart. I’m glad they were honest with me and makes this dilemma even more difficult to work out.

For the first time in a very long time I took some proper time off from the business to re-charge and spent some days away with a friend walking in the Norfolk sunshine with her dog, it was just what I needed to get some perspective on my situation.

I also had some mornings with friends catching up over food and some afternoons in front of the telly watching programmes I recorded previously as I seem to record so much than I’ll ever get around to watch so used this time to reduce the number of recordings.

One thing I have done this month is to ask for help, this is not something that comes easily to me but being open and honest with a few trusted people has helped ease the burden I’m carrying at the moment as well as being taken aback by the response I’ve had when I tell people my situation.

The people I’ve spoken to have offered their support in any way possible to help me through these difficult times. When times are tough I tend to become quite insular about stuff but speaking out I’ve realised that many people have been through tough times or are also going through tough times that you are not alone.

There are some glimmers of hope and I’m working hard to make the most of every opportunity I’m given, however, I’m also very aware that I need to be an adult and be realistic about my situation!!

What the future holds is anyone’s guess and whether the head or heart will win, I’ll let you know in a months time…. Until next time, big love.

Rachel xx

 

120 Day challenge

As we are 2/3rd through 2019 and just 120 days until the end of the year I’ve decided that I’m going to do a few things daily for the next 120 days. Nothing huge just a few small actions that will move me towards being a better me!!

  • Meditate or do some mindfulness practice for a minimum of 10 minutes a day.
  • Be active for at least 30 minutes a day.

What could you do for the next 120 days to take you into 2020 on a high? Are you going to join me on this challenge? If so, I’d love to hear what you are going to challenge yourself with.

I’ll be posting regularly on Instagram using the hashtag #Challenge120 as well as counting the days up.

Good luck and keep me posted on your progress.

August – Lifting Fog

So the start of the month continued in the same vein as July with feeling pretty down/sad and in a way defeated.

My situation hasn’t really changed much and not really sure where the month has gone, I’ve had some dark days where just doing life has been a challenge when I’ve been out in public I’ve put on a brave face and smiled but inside I was a state. The tears have flowed almost every day with me wishing the day away just so the next one would start in the hope of feeling a bit more connected and/or motivated to do what I need to do to get out of this challenging period.

This month I’ve escaped into books to try to find some answers to the questions buzzing around in my head. Three books have been read which all came as recommendations.

The Salt Path – Raynor Winn

Raynor tells of what happened when she and her husband lost their home and livelihood as well as her husband getting a terminal diagnosis and how they responded by walking the South West Coastal Path, wild camp and the lessons it brought.

Set Free – Emma Slade

Set Free is all about how Emma changed her life completely after being part of a hostage situation while working in banking and turning to Buddhism and setting up a charity to support people in Bhutan.

Cave in the Snow – Vicki MacKenzie

Cave in the Snow tells the story of Tenzin Palmo an Englishwoman who spent 12 years alone in a cave high in the Himalayas to achieve spiritual enlightenment.

What all three books have taught me is that through adversity you CAN triumph, that you don’t have to follow the normal paths set out for you and with every difficult time, lessons can be learned if you are willing to hear/see them and change accordingly!! I appear good at seeing the lessons life is teaching me but not so good at actually changing anything so that these lessons don’t appear more than once!! In one aspect of my life, a lesson has appeared for the third time and yes now I’m going to take action to ensure it doesn’t appear again!!

Although I was brought up in the Church of England faith I wouldn’t say I was very religious at all and can’t remember the last time I actually went to church. However, I do feel quite spiritual and in recent years have been drawn to the Buddhism faith. The latter two of the books explore some areas of this faith which I found very interesting and as many of you know I have spent time at Samye Ling – Tibetan Buddhist Monastery & Centre for World Peace and Health and Emma Slade actually visited Samye Ling on a number of occasions. The Buddhist teaching makes a lot of sense to me, from what I understand it simply about love and joy and letting go of one’s ego.

In recent months I know I’ve not found much joy in my life and focused on all the things that I’m struggling with, these books were a timely reminder that if we seek out joy in the small things then it will grow bigger and bigger.

Love is another interesting thing too!! A very good friend reminded me that embracing love in all its forms which includes self-love will simply bring more love into your life. Self-love is a work in progress for me as I know it is for many people as we tend to put others before ourselves, however, I’m making a real effort to see acts of love around me even if they are small and thanking the universe/people for that love.

At the beginning of the month, Firecracker turned eight years old and I find that whenever I hit milestones I reflect on the times past and the future. As this milestone has come at a time where life feels tough I really had a good look at my situation to see if it’s something I want to continue with, this is still an on-going conversation I’m having with myself & others. As much as I love what I do as a business I have to remember it is just a part of my whole life and that living a life is just as important (I forget this regularly & allow the business to become all-consuming). In recent months I don’t feel I’ve done much living, I’ve shyed away from social situations, not done much exercise & just existed so time to change this!

The last few days of August were a lot brighter and I started to feel more like my old self again and able to take on the world, not sure what has triggered this but I’m happy to ride it for now and do what I can do to make changes to give long term results.

We’re now into the last third of 2019 and I wonder what it will bring…

 

July – Disconnected

July has really been a bit of a blur, I’ve felt quite disconnected from the world. Just going through the motions of everyday life! From the outside world, it would seem everything is normal but from my perspective, I’ve just not been really present emotionally.

Halfway through the month I was informed that the retained work I’ve been doing for the last 18 months was coming to a conclusion at the end of July, even though I knew this would happen as was notified in January that the projected was finishing this year, this news still sent me into a tailspin of panic and fear.

As much as I knew this was coming, I’ve been busy just getting through each day/week/month and delivering the work I’ve got on now and always pushing the business development work to the bottom of the to-do list.

The challenge I have with business development is not really knowing where to go next with the business, I have so many skills and opportunities that potentially could help grow the business and make it more sustainable but not sure where to start, to help me with this I’ve engaged with a coach to help give me some guidance! This was a tough decision as at present I don’t have the finances to cover the cost of the coach but without it, I don’t think I can get to where I want to be, it’s that classic chicken/egg situation. I have a clear vision of where I want the business to be in the future I just at a loss as to how to get there…

I realised that last month (June) I put a lot of pressure on myself to do so many things, the language I use with myself is that I NEED to do this and then I NEED to do that, this added to all the other things we have to do just to live and maintain a life. It dawned on me that the word NEED is not a positive one as it feels like I’m being told (by my internal self) that it’s essential I do it and then this becomes a chore as it’s like I don’t have a choice!! Of course, I have a choice and that I should be kinder to myself – something that doesn’t come naturally to me.

July was my birthday month, I turned 42!! In recent years I’ve found my birthday quite hard, I find it incredibly emotional and this year was no different – I got through the day with a few tears!!

Having acknowledged and accepted these feelings I am now at a stage to process them and turn them into positives as I do believe that all challenges in life are there as lessons for us to learn and change for the better…

 

June – Taking Stock

As with every other month this year, it would seem the start of this one was a crazy one with another trip down South to deliver a short workshop for a global company. I absolutely love to do this kind of work as it really plays to my strengths and really is what is at the heart of my business – sparking energy in business.

However, giving so much energy to everyone else often I feel depleted. I got back my overnight trip and felt utterly sapped of energy I felt like a zombie!! And this was reflected the following week as some of the work I did on this day wasn’t up to scratch and mistakes had been made!! Not something I’m proud of but like with somethings in life, it kind of needed to happen for it to shock me into change.

Recently I’ve seen many articles talk about “burnout” especially related to workplace health and wellbeing, this is nothing new really and something personally I’m very aware of as when I first moved to Lincoln some 13 years ago now I was suffering from burnout, back then we called it adrenal fatigue, whatever you want to call it, it’s basically your body telling you to stop!!

And if I’m honest that’s where I am right now so enough is enough. And I’ve taken a long hard look at my life to see where I can make changes as in all serious I know I CANNOT continue as I am as I’ll make myself very ill if I’m not careful.

Thankfully I have all the knowledge within me to know what to do to help myself, I just need to listen to my own advice (which we all know is the hardest thing!!). So the first thing I did was get back on the nutritional supplement programme I used to take, now this is not a substitute for good food or good lifestyle choices however, it does help support the body when stressed so hopefully, it will help me feel more energised to be able to help myself do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy.

This month I managed to get back to the box and do a couple of weeks with consistent exercise which has felt good to get some sort of routine back, this did go to pot the last week of June as I went away for a few days which was seriously needed, more about that later.

One thing I’ve noticed this month is I’ve got into a fear/worry mindset, having spent the first half of the year rushing around getting stuff done I now find myself with more time on my hands which I find hard, my mind wonders into what might happen in the future and how I will get through it and this is always worst-case scenario rather than success!!

It’s only a couple of years ago that my business went through a real rough patch and left me financially depleted and really struggling to make ends meet, I literally went into survival mode as I had no other choice, thankfully the business has improved since then but I’m very aware that this could happen again which makes me very wary about actually living my life as with everyone we don’t know what is around the corner.

I have thought it would be lovely to have a sabbatical for a short time as I feel now that my business is shifting slightly and having a chance to work on this shift without the distraction of daily work/life would be useful however right now it’s not practical/feasible for me to do this so instead I’ve contacted a couple of people I know who also know me quite well to ask for some business coaching to help guide me through this transition period.

I’m often scared to do things that cost money as I worry that this money might be needed in the future which means I often feel that I’m not making the most of my life, this is something I’m working on with my therapist so only time will tell if I can dial these feelings down a bit so that I can actually enjoy some of the return I get for all the hard work I put into the business.

The last weekend of June I spent in Wales (where I was born) visiting my godparents which was lovely, we didn’t do much and I got a chance just to relax, I didn’t take my laptop with me and I resisted checking my emails knowing that I could deal with anything when I got back. This is not something I do very often at all as I do struggle to switch off from the business, my mind is constantly whirring with ideas, thoughts, things to do, things I’ve forgotten to do…the list goes on!!

I realised this is something I need to do more often, I just need to find a way of doing it that feels ok to me without too much expense.

I need to make some big changes to my life so I can start to work smarter in the business and still get the returns I want from it, I know this is hard as it will mean changing the way I behaviour, think and just be!! Old habits die hard and all that…but I’m willing to give it a go.

And last but not least…dating!! Well so far I’ve been on 3 first dates, all were pleasant experiences if not a bit nerve-wracking and one person I’ve had a second date with so I’ll keep you posted next month!! The whole online dating thing still feels quite alien to me so working hard to be quite laid back about the whole thing and take it as it comes.

As we head into the second half of 2019 I do wonder what else the year will bring for me and all I can say is bring it on…

May – What now?!?

Wow, what a month!! The first two weeks are a complete blur of prepping for two major events in one week!!

Not something I would usually choose to do but when an old client contacts you out the blue to say that the training you did for them two years was amazing and now they’ve moved to a new company and want you to come and do the magic again it’s hard to refuse even if it means you digging deep into your energy stores to make it happen!!

I did it (with help from a few people too)!! Both events smashed out of the park with feedback being super positive and complimentary and I couldn’t have been happier about how both events went. However, this has taken a massive toll on me both physically and mentally.

So I can officially say that I ran a conference on Workplace health and wellbeing with 70 attendees and also a team development event for 96 people who were totally buzzing at the end of it!! Two things to tick off the very long list of things I want to achieve in my business!! Does anyone else have a little book where they write all their hopes and dreams for the business? I usually write them in there and forget about it and then occasionally I’ll look through and unbeknown to me I’ve often achieved a couple of them!! I’m very much a believer that if you put something out into the world then the world (universe) will conspire in your favour to help you achieve it!!

The weekend after the big week I was broken emotionally with many tears flowing and yes most of these were happy proud tears that I managed to pull both events off without too many hitches but they were also tinged with sadness that it was over and I had a feeling of emptiness & where do I go from here?

For the last year or so the conference has dominated my mind, it’s been an emotional journey which if I’m honest when I wrote last month’s post wasn’t sure if it was going to come off as I wanted it so for it all to be done and dusted is hard to take.

The following week my body went into meltdown and my back was incredibly sore with me in constant pain no matter what position I stood or sat in. I totally believe that this was the emotions of the last few months coming out as physical pain. I know the last few months have been super stressful and I’ve probably unconsciously been holding tension in my body and once both events were over I relaxed and let go of this tension. I know that I didn’t do anything to cause my back to go and it has been an emotional release, thankfully with a bit of acupuncture and being kind to myself it’s getting better, a few niggles when I move too much but nothing like it was.

The last two weeks of May have also been a bit of a blur in a very different way, sitting back at my desk on the Monday after the big week just felt weird with a sense of what do I do now… having put all my energy into these two events I soon realised that every other bit of my business had been dropped and I was now playing catch up with all my coaching clients and nutrition work and getting back into normality of running a business and that sense of letting people down crept back in!! So I’m working hard now to right this and deliver the level service I expect of myself!

And so my mind now turns to what next… well to start with I’m doing this 5km open water swim in Lake Windermere on the 9th June and quite frankly I’m bricking it!! I’ve done nowhere near enough training for it and got a rather busy week coming up including another overnight trip down to Reading to do more team development training with the same company before this time it’s the HR department I’m working with which could potentially lead to more work so again an opportunity not to turn down… as well as few other things in the diary too!! When I set myself these physical challenges it always feels like bad timing as the week before the event is never an easy one!!

I know deep down that I’m sure I’ll complete the swim as you’ll probably realise by now that I always do achieve the things I set out to do but the last month has really knocked me in a way I didn’t expect as the words that have come into my head quite a lot are:

“When will I ever feel like I’m good enough?!” For some reason, I seem to constantly push myself to breaking point trying to prove to the world, well probably to myself that I am good enough!! And I’m not quite sure how to stop this!!

Even as I type this I’m wondering where next… do I run another conference next year? What goals and ambitions do I want the business to achieve in the coming year? Where will I get work from to pay the mortgage this month? That constant need to find new work is draining and right now I’m pretty empty both physically and mentally yet stopping just feel so hard!! I have little to distract me from my own thoughts!

Going back to the post about being single, I finally took the plunge using gin and prosecco as Dutch courage to register on a dating website, I couldn’t find any more excuses not to so I’ll keep you posted about how I get on, it’s early days and still finding my feet with the way these things work and the dynamics of it all… this will be an interesting journey, more on that next months.

So, for now, it’s full throttle ahead for another week but who knows what June will bring.

R xx

April – What a rollercoaster…

Well that’s another month of 2019 done and dusted and it’s been a VERY tough one and happy to see the back of it if I’m honest.

The month started off with a full on week of travel events, I went to London for an event one day and then made my way to Brighton to talk at an international conference later in the week. Both of them I really enjoyed and was great to network with other people in my sector and I was really buoyed up about the conference.

However this was short lived as days turned into weeks of no sales and I was facing the hard reality of running events.

I really didn’t know what to do for the best. In one week I had 3 people telling me that I should pull the event, given as well-meaning advice but it totally just broke me and had a massive amount of self-doubt and felt that I was letting so many people down as the conference had become all-consuming and I was just not managing to keep all the other elements of the business going or so I felt.

Then Easter came, for so many years I’ve used the long Easter weekend to escape from the world by turning off my mobile & internet and spent the weekend at home reflecting on life & making space for things I love to do but tend to get forgotten about in everyday life (Here’s my blog about it from last year: https://lincolnshiregirl.wordpress.com/2018/04/02/easter-digital-detox/  ) This year was going to be the same when I got an email from Sayme Ling back in July 2018 & it prompted me to go onto their website and I noticed that they were running an Easter Retreat over the Easter weekend call: Finding Joy and Wisdom through Mediation and I thought why not. Samye Ling is a Tibetan Buddhist Monastery and Centre for World Peace and Health 15 miles outside of Lockerbie. I’ve visited it before (here’s another blog post about it: https://lincolnshiregirl.wordpress.com/2013/12/03/stepping-off-the-world-for-a-weekend/) and it holds a special place in my heart, there is something about it that unless you’ve been it’s hard to describe the feeling of a deep sense of peace and calmness when you walk onsite.

Two weeks before I was going to go, I mentioned to a friend about going and asked if she wanted to come too and she said yes and in all honesty I was really glad she said yes with all the emotion I was feeling before going I felt that it was good that someone I knew was with me.

We arrived on Good Friday with just 10 minutes to spare before the 1st teachings and we made our way to the temple along with 300 other people who were also attending the weekend retreat. The weekend was intense with a number of teachings each day about the Buddhist principles for living a life with joy and wisdom at the heart of it. Buddhism wasn’t pushed down your throat very much at all; it was really about taking the teachings and applying them to modern life!

There were many insights gained, realisation made and tear shed but there was also lots of laughter too, not least with us popping to Tesco in Lockerbie on Saturday evening to get some chicken as my friend was really craving meat so we were stood outside Tesco gauging ourselves on cooked chicken knowing that we had to eat it there and then as couldn’t take anything back to the centre!! We also picked me up a swimming costume as we had the bright idea of going swimming in the river that runs alongside the monastery and as Saturday was a beautiful day we though what’s the worst that could happen, well apart from it being *BEEP* freezing it was actually a lot of fun and we even managed to smile for a selfie!!

And before we knew it, it was Tuesday and time to come home, neither of use wanted to leave as it’s such a lovely place to be but alas our real lives awaited us at home. Here are just a few pictures of the place:

The temple

Inside the temple

The prayer Stupa (no filter on this one, just a gloriously sunny day)

I came crashing back into my world like a tonne of bricks as the conference was still looking like it was going to be car crashed and I felt completely overwhelmed with my growing to-do list.

I poured over my costing spreadsheet to see if I could make it work financially but it become more about the experience people were going to have rather than the financial costs and I really wasn’t sure if I could make it work on both counts, so over the following weekend I decided to postpone the conference to give me time to re-group, learn lessons and space to deliver work that I’ve also got on at the moment and I felt at peace with this decision.

Then Monday came and I get a rush of sales and I made the U-turn decision and to go ahead. I had to reframe in my own mind of what it was going to be and that it would be a great event & just give it my all, one saying that I learnt while in Scotland was:

Do your best,

Be your best,

And let it go!

So this is where I’m at…it’s all steam ahead and what a rollercoaster of a month & I made it through just about and if it wasn’t for some of my friends who have been there when I was at my lowest and didn’t know where to turn I have to say THANK YOU to you, you know who you are and I’m forever grateful for your support & friendship.

Here’s to an amazing May…

March – Busy, did I say busy

Well, we are a quarter the way through 2019 already and this year like the last is flying by!!

At this time of year there is another period of reflection as the financial year comes to an end so time to review the business performance for the last 12 months and plan for the next twelve.

Overall I’m really happy with the way the business is going, I’ve seen substantial growth in all areas of the business not just financially but also in the type of work that I’m being asked to deliver to the companies I work with which include large international companies.

I’m still not good at celebrating my successes or talking about the work I do so this is something I’m aiming to work on over the next year as I know that people are often taken aback by the work I do and the companies I work for (in a good way obviously) as when I actually think about it, it’s a pretty impressive list – One of the major supermarkets, a national hotel chain, a large global chemical company and the list could go on…!

Even through March has been extremely busy with me working 12 hour days 6 days a week for most of the month I don’t think I’ve laughed or smiled so much in a very long time, it feels like all the hard knocks and challenges I’ve faced in recent times have started to pay off and proves that if you work hard and don’t give up you will eventually be rewarded! I feel like I can come out of hibination and start to live a little again rather than just survive.

I’m not quite ready to take my foot of the gas or rest on my laurels just yet as the coming 6 weeks look set to continue in the same vein & I can’t wait for all the exciting projects I’m working on to come to fruition.

However, there is a big fat white elephant in the room which I don’t talk about much and that’s being single, don’t get me wrong I love my life as it is and enjoy the freedom that single life brings, it just would be nice to share my life with someone. And yes I know that having a partner isn’t the be all and end all, just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you are not lonely, yarda yarda yarda I’ve heard it all before especially from people who are in happy, fulfilling & loving relationships (or so it seems from the outside).

I’ve been single for the last seven and half-year (all the time I’ve run my business, coincidence I wonder!), in that time I’ve had a few flings, I’ve met some true gentlemen and some real arses!!

My business has proved that what you focus on you get, yet when it comes to love I’m too scared to focus on it as I worry that not only might I get my heart-broken again but also that if I stop focusing on the business might that take a downward turn?!? So as much as I’ve smiled lots this month as there’s been lots to celebrate it’s been a little hollow without a special someone to raise a glass with!! I’m not a grand gesture kind of girl. it’s just the little things I miss, like a hug at the end of a long day, a mug of tea brought to me while I’m working, someone to share the ups and downs with.

Over the last 18 months I’ve said to myself on many occasions when I’ve completed this or that then I’ll get back on the dating sites but when the time comes to actually register I get cold feet and find something else to focus on or aim for. I bury my feelings by keeping busy so I don’t get too upset about my situation but sometimes these feelings bubble up in the most awkward of places like when I’m out at a business networking event and asked if my husband is in the RAF (I live in an ex-RAF house) or how old are my children and like now as I’m typing this I get a lump in my throat when I have to honestly answer that I don’t have a partner or children. I’ve learnt to keep my emotion in check during the event but there are usually tears in the car on the drive home!

On the health and fitness side of things it’s been a bit hit and miss, I’ve managed to get to the box a few more times, at the end of February I joined the local leisure centre with a swim only membership as it’s something I’ve missed over the years during the time I’ve been doing Crossfit, so that’s been lovely getting back into the pool, I find it both relaxing and cathatic doing length although I’m still getting used to lane etiquette!! In the same week a friend of mine suggested I did a 5km open water swim with her in June, I was going to go and support her anyway so I thought what the heck, why not!! So entry paid for, wetsuit bought and training underway it’s given me something to focus on over the coming months which isn’t the business or my lovelife (or non-exsistent one).

Just as I was starting to write this post, this quote popped up on my pinerest feed which seems quite apt!

Where did February go?

Two months down and ten to go and this year is running away with me already.

February has been a pretty tough month mentally for me, looking at my diary I knew it was going to be a busy month work-wise but nothing I didn’t feel like I could handle but I did struggle.

I’ve realised that my time is really divided into three areas:

The Business

Health & Fitness

Downtime

This past month it has felt relentless when it came the business at a detriment of the other two areas of my life, now I don’t want to come across as complaining as a good friend did remind me that being busy is a good thing which is it as a couple of years ago I couldn’t have dreamed/wished for the way the business has grown recently.

The business at the moment is going great, opportunities are coming at me left, right and centre which feels awesome and really does show that hard work and focus really does make things happen, however, this month all this work felt completely overwhelming, I just didn’t know where to start with it all, I felt like I was juggling so many different projects and not making any headway with any of them, my to-do list was growing longer by the day and I was feeling like I’m letting people/businesses down.

Every single working day (Mon-Fri) in February I had something on be this a meeting, networking event or delivering work which I love as I enjoy getting out and about, but as I’m out and about the desk work I’ve got to do doesn’t get done which means me working early mornings, late nights and weekends just to keep up with it all. I usually have Mondays as my desk day so that I can prepare myself for the week & plan how I’m going to fit everything in but this routine went out the window in the 1st week!!

Again I’m not complaining as I absolutely LOVE what I’ve created as Firecracker and never begrudge working long days as I know that for every ounce of effort I put it I get it back ten-fold but unfortunately, my body & mind aren’t always that happy!

So health and fitness went out the window, I only managed to get to the gym 7 times in the month, I got a cold/felt rough for a week or so which knocked me for six and left me feeling tired & under more pressure. I know all too well with what I do that if I don’t look after myself then I’m no use to anyone, sometimes it’s hard to hear and take your own advice.

Each year I choose a “word of the year” which helps to guide me & stay focus on the things I in life, in February I’d already forgotten that my word for 2019 is BALANCE and another good friend sent me a message with a reminder of this and it was the message I needed to see to just stop and re-evaluate what I’m doing. So I started to look at my behaviours and see which ones aren’t serving me well & work out how I go about changing things.

If you could have a word of the year, what would it be?

I know I’m my own worst enemy at times with getting balance in my life, like I said I love what I do so often don’t see it as “work” and as I get older I’ve got into a habit of shying away from social situations and like to just be at home.

A friend had invited me out for drinks with other friends for their birthday and I was stressing & nervous as soon as I accepted the invite!! I just felt completely out my comfort zone, which is strange really as when I’m going to business events as Rachel from Firecracker I don’t tend to get nervous at all really, but any time I have to be Rachel L then I feel really uncomfortable – something to explore with my therapist in the future!!

In terms of downtime, there wasn’t that much of it, I did get to have lunch/coffee with friends here and there but in all honesty, my body was present but my mind wasn’t which made me feel guilty at times.

I know that we are all balancing demands on our time so I have to remember:

So as we march into March I’m very conscious of how I spend my time both physically and mentally to ensure I make the most of everyday.